Slow Panic

Christmas Vacation Schol Project. Yeah, You Read That Right

2011-12-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm quite annoyed that I'm spending my afternoon creating a presentation for D9 to use when he gets back to school. Yes, the parents are expected to "help" with this project. I remember when J13 did this four years ago. I think I tried to get him much more involved in the creative process. I have since given up such foolishness.

The presentation/project is each 3rd grader memorized an Aesop's Fable and on the second day back from school they have to recite it and they must have a prop/presentation/blah blah blah of some sort.

Ugh. I'm not sure I understand the timing on this. It's how we did it four years ago as well. Memorize the fable in December and then present immediately following vacation.

Which means I have to remember to have him recite it every day for me. I have to worry, plan and create the presentation/prop/annoying piece of crap DURING our Christmas break. Then I have to get him to rehearse it even though, as he so appropriately points out "It's Christmas vacation!!!"

At least this time I'm taking care of it days, and not hours, before the presentation.

Other then this we have been having a wonderful post-Christmas/pre-New Years week. Very quiet. Very chilled. Very nice.

OK. The glue is dry. Back to my project. I mean D9s project. I mean WHATEVER.

Winter Solstice

2011-12-22T14:57:00.000-08:00

All day long the winter solstice tugged at my heart and told me to snuggle in with my kids while the light was low and cloudy on this shortest of days.

Instead I worked. A lot. And baked and cooked and shopped and pretty much ran around like a crazy person. Not being still. Not being quiet. Not honoring in any way this turn in the seasons, the hope of lengthening days and the opportunity to appreciate what I already have. To acknowledge that what is here in this house and in this family is enough and more then enough.

Tonight I'm going to to settle in, regroup, do something quiet with my kids, read a book and wake up in the morning on a day where the light lasts just a little longer and we all unknowingly take that first step towards a new year, a new season.

The sleepover is over. Proof that there is a god.

2011-12-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived the sleepover. Yeah, his cute little lisp was annoying the hell out of me by 9:30 this morning. Last night he kept insisting that he doesn't go to bed until 5:00. In the morning. Okay. My kids got up at their usual 7:00 a.m. and crawled into bed with me, which I loved. We are kind of a weird family. Not because of the 7:00 a.m. snuggle thing, just because we are. Here's the thing I really like about kids coming over. When they leave I have a greater appreciation for how my kids are. I know they have weird quirks that probably drive other adults crazy. But they are mine and we are happy and content together. What more could I ask for.

So when his mom came to pick him up she came inside and I said, "Welcome to our mess." Even though it wasn't really that messy. For us. In fact, it was fairly picked up and decluttered. For us.

Now when someone says something like "Welcome to our mess" or "Sorry for the mess" or whatever I say, "Oh, it's not that bad" or "You should see my house" etc. etc.

This mom said, "Oh, is it time to clean?"

I was kind of speechless. Then I said, "It's always time to clean at my house." And she said, "Well, you have two cleaners here. Is that on the agenda for Christmas break?"

I said, "No."

What I wanted to say was, "No bitch. It's not on the freaking agenda. What's on the freaking (I wasn't really thinking the word freaking. It was another word) agenda is to sit around in our jammies, play video games, eat tons of junk food, and CHILL. And then roll around in the muck and filth that apparently is my home and by the way when I picked up your freakishly small lispy yet loud child yesterday I was not impressed by your poorly painted weird rusty orange walls on 16 foot ceilings in the living room and then the shockingly bright lime green dining room that didn't match at all."

That's what I wanted to say. But I didn't. I said, "Have a nice Christmas. See you in the New Year."

Maybe.

There is a child in my houses that is not mine. Help me.

2011-12-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

Somehow, through my own genius or lack thereof, I have managed thirteen years of parenthood without hosting a sleepover.

That's right. Thirteen years.

J13 never wanted to go on a sleepover or have kids over for a sleepover. D9's first sleepover -- at a birthday party about a year ago turned out to be a come-home-at-midnight instead of a sleepover. I wasn't to surprised since it was with all the boys from his class -- none which he was particularly close to.

Since then he's had a couple of sleepovers at JS's house. Today JS came to our house and they are having a great time. It's about time I did this. He asked several times but since it kind of freaks me out to have other kids here I've put it off. I know I'm weird. But it makes me nervous. I'm worried that they'll be bored or start fighting or something. Or require my attention. God help us all.

Of course they are having a great time and in a little while I'll haul there little butts out to pizza.

He's such a sweet kid, I need to do what I can to encourage this friendship. D9 doesn't have any other close friends and this kid took to him last year when he came to our school and really adores D9.

I sometimes forget that D9 is shy and kind of weird since J13 is extremely shy, super sensitive and kind of more weird (I mean this in the nicest, motherliest way).

J13 is keeping his eye on them for me. It's like having a live-in baby sitter. He's awfully responsible. Thank God. So I'm hanging out in my office catching up on blogs and trying to figure out what my next quilting project is going to be.

I love this few days before Christmas. The kids are out of school and most of the shopping is done. It's quiet.

Except for the three kids screaming at Super Smash Brothers that is. That parts not quiet.

I wonder if they will notice if I slip some Benedryl into their root beer floats tonight?

Yoga

2011-12-17T13:09:00.000-08:00

I went to a yoga class this morning. The first one I've been to in quite a while. I hurt my back a week or two before Thanksgiving. I think I did go to a class right after the holiday but then hurt my back again.

Right after Thanksgiving I found out that the one class I was teaching had been cancelled. Unfortunately I found this out by looking at the studio's website and seeing that the class was gone. That sucked. I contacted the owner right away and she had to cut three or four classes due to low attendance. Despite getting a lot of good feedback from students and having several that swore by my classes I still feel like I failed.

It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. Especially since every week I would spend a few days worrying/freaking out about my class and it was always difficult to find time to plan for the class. I really don't feel like I currently have the time to be the teacher I would like to be. It's probably a good thing. I know it is. I love not having that commitment every Saturday at 11:30. I love not having the pressure of worrying about what I'm going to do.

I still feel lost without it and haven't felt like being at the studio. It was good to go back today. It feels good to have my back better and to be able to make it through a flow class. There's nothing like the energy in the room at the end of class.

I feel like I'm still finding my way. I guess we always are. I'm so good at resisting change and forward movement. With my back being hurt and my class getting cancelled I really slipped into a little depression. Now that I'm able to be active again and I have no excuses to practice I'm feeling a lot better.

Poem Thursday - Rumi

2011-12-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I ready any poetry. To long. I just found this. Rumi never fails.

The Road Home
by Rumi

An ant hurries along a threshing floor with its wheat grain,
moving between huge stacks

of wheat, not knowing the abundance all around. It thinks its
one grain is all there is to

love. So we choose a tiny seed to be devoted to. This body,
one path or one teacher. Look

wider and farther. The essence of every human being can see,
and what that essence-eye takes

in, the being becomes. Saturn. Solomon! The ocean pours
through a jar, and you might say it

swims inside the fish! This mystery gives peace to your
longing and makes the road home home.

December - Slow Panic Style

2011-12-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

So far I have not been bitten by the Christmas bug. Unless it's the Christmas bug that puts you not very in the mood for the holidays. That bug I totally have.

I'm trying, but to tell you the truth I'm a little ready for it to be over. I'm kind of annoyed with my inability to make an effort this year. I have been having some serious back problems for the last month which has hampered my mood. Don't really feel like decorating or shopping when you can't do anything but lay on your back for hours at a time.

Which has allowed me to get completely sucked into the A Song of Fire and Ice books. I'm on book four. I'm mildly addicted. I've started reading blogs about the series and looking at art on-line and ok, reading chat threads. I admit it. And window shopping stuff on-line. And trying not to stalk people at Barnes and Noble who are carrying the books around.

What else? J13 is taking midterms for the first time this week and it has been very frustrating. He's not getting how to study and I'm not really wanting to hold his hand through the process. I'm working with him a bit and trying to give him direction, but he's not really getting it. He's kind of a learn-by-experience kid. As was his mother. Thus my frustration. Unfortunately I can not convince him that his parents are not as stupid as he thinks we are. He has two more tests tomorrow and then he's FINISHED. I can not wait.

I've got that lazy, the holidays are over and it's time to relax feeling. Except the holidays aren't over. Oops.

I am almost done shopping. All that's left is to make a lot of candy and cookies. Which is not a bad place to be on the holiday to do list.

Tuesday already?

2011-11-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

Really, where is my life going? I can't figure it out. It's crazy madness busy all the time.

I'm sticking to my juice fast. Yesterday was easy, but today was hell.

I had some good ideas about a post sometime earlier today but I think they've disappeared due to lack of food.

I am getting 1,000 calories a day.

What was I thinking.

OK. I do feel good though. It's hard to explain. Probably because I'm a little light headed.

That's supposed to clear up in tomorrow.

By Friday I'll probably have decided never to eat again.

OK, not really.

Sunday

2011-11-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

Are you really doing NaBloPoMo if you didn't sign up with the site? Ugh. I get points for showing up here. That's what I think. The cold/bug/whatever that everyone else in the family had has finally caught up with me.

Thanks go Alka Seltzer Cold medicine I slept in this morning. I was scheduled to be on camera at church and since I'm only doing that once a month now I didn't want to bail on them. That was pretty amusing drugged up on previously mentioned meds.

I spent the afternoon sleeping. Again, a shout out to Alka Seltzer. Really, they should pay me for this.

I start my FIVE DAY juice fast tomorrow. So I don't really want to take any more meds for my cold. We'll see how long that lasts since I can no longer breath and I'm still sitting upright.

I'm a little nervous about the juice fast. I would be more nervous but I don't feel good.

Mostly I am still riding high that my sweet Daisy came home yesterday. I still can't believe my neighbor jumped over a fence to rescue her. They are great neighbors and love love love Daisy. I think she was as heartbroken as I was.

Poor Daisy has been sleeping a lot since she came home and has stayed in the house for the most part. We don't even have a litterbox so I've let her out a bit. I'm not sure I want to make her a full-time indoor cat. I know she would be so much safer.

OK, I'm going back to my sickie quilt. My grandma made it using suiting. It is crazy ass warm and the best thing in the world.

Daisy Is Home!!!!

2011-11-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Daisy is home!!! Did I already say that? Let me say it again. Daisy. Is. Home.

My neighbor rescued her off the roof of a building behind our houses. He was out with his dogs and heard her meowing and when he saw her he freaking climbed over the fence (not a short fence), found a bucket or something to stand on and pulled her down. Then he had to walk a couple of blocks to get back to our street and he brought her home.

I still can't believe it.

Worlds Best Neighbor. Ever.

Daisy is curled up on my desk taking a very well-deserved nap on a very fluffy blanket. She's a little thin but for the most part seems OK.

I'm just so very glad to have my sweet girl back.

Friday

2011-11-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

My cat Daisy still hasn't come home. I'm going to go out after lunch and poke around the neighborhood some. Wander into people's backyards and poke around in their sheds and stuff. I'm not sure why I haven't done this before.

J13 is home sick again. He spiked a fever last night. I know part of his malaise is the missing cat. He has caught a bug though. He crawled into bed last night and I read outloud to him for almost an hour. It was the most comforting thing either of us could have done.

I'm still waiting for her to come home. Hoping she will.

I want my cat back.

Let's Pretend It's November 1

2011-11-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

Honestly I was going to storm back into blogging (ha) and do NaBloPoMo. I was. Good grief how do you people do this? And when did my life get so crazy?

Those are pretty much rhetorical questions.

I thought I would try actual writing. Put some effort into it.

Ha.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Instead I find I am fitting in a post while helping D9 with homework and solving a problem at work. Next up laundry, dishes, kind of clean the kitchen and start dinner.

J13 is home sick today. Started out with a simple sore throat last night but is now running a fever. Boo.

My cat Daisy has been missing since yesterday morning. We let her out at 7:00 as we do each morning. Haven't seen her since.

This hit me pretty hard this afternoon. She is always around the house and within calling distance. She always comes in around 9:00 p.m. I'm pretty sure she's gone for good, but I can't help looking for her constantly. I hope she comes home.

I'm reading a couple of good books right now. I'm reading A Clash of Kings -- the second book in A Song of Fire and Ice series. The first book being A Game of Thrones which the HBO show is based on. Which I haven't seen. The books are GOOD and addicting. And long.

I'm listening to The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. It's so good I want to read it and just put it on hold at the library. I love listening to books when I'm walking for exercise (and I'm going to really commit to that starting tomorrow. I really am), cleaning the house or driving around. The Night Circus is one of the best books I've read in years.

I'm doing a five day juice fast next week. That should make for interesting blogging. I'm hungry already.

Seriously though I think it will be good for me and it's being supervised by a physician.

OK, that's it. That's my first day of NaBloPoMo.

Lament by Rilke

2011-09-07T02:54:00.000-07:00

Lament
by Rainer Maria Rilke

Everything is far
and long gone by.
I think that the star
glittering above me
has been dead for a million years.
I think there were tears
in the car I heard pass
and something terrible was said.
A clock has stopped striking in the house
across the road...
When did it start?...
I would like to step out of my heart
an go walking beneath the enormous sky.
I would like to pray.
And surely of all the stars that perished
long ago,
one still exists.
I think that I know
which one it is--
which one, at the end of its beam in the sky,
stands like a white city...

A Break -- And The Whole Story

2011-09-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

First of all I feel like I have to talk about my job. I know yesterday I said I am sick to death of it (or something like that). I do get burned out. But I do love my job. It's really the perfect situation -- work at home -- partish time with full-time pay. Totally flexible for the kids. LOVE LOVE LOVE my boss. Couldn't ask for a better boss. On top of that we truly are friends. He was the minister at my wedding. He also officiated at my father-in-laws memorial service. I truly am blessed.

My preference would be to not work. To just be a mom. That's not an option financially so if I have to work this is the only job I want.

Much of yesterday's post is due to three external situations in my life. By external I mean not some crap happening inside of me. Just life stuff. They are:

1. Gout -- My husband has gout. The past ten days he has been incapacitated when at home. He's still working. I don't know how. At home he's on crutches. During the day his work boots give him enough support to hobble around. Before the gout came back his back had gone out. Really he's been having back problems since Father's Day. The past month (almost) he really has been not able to do ANYTHING around the house. Nothing. It's been tough. I feel for him and I am exhausted. He talked to a doctor yesterday and the supplements he started taking this week are exactly what he needs so he's on the right track.

2. Sam -- Senile Dog. I'm still having problems getting Sam to sleep. Most nights she wakes me up and wants me to come to the living room. I've tried a cage (she pooped on herself and I had to give her a bath at 3:00 a.m.), benadryl, and some other stuff I'm to tired to remember. So I'm really really tired. Today I'm setting up a series of night lights for her throughout the house. Hoping this helps.

3. Yoga -- My Wednesday class was cancelled. Attendance started out strong but the past month or so it has really dropped off. The last two weeks there was no one there. The studio owner cancelled it. We are going to see if people complain and if they do we may start it up at a later time of day or different day of the week. I found this out Wednesday night. I knew it was coming. I'm really discouraged about it. I get really good feedback from my students. I don't think it's me. Or not all me. This is a small city. Not a big market for yoga. But it really rocked my confidence in myself as a teacher. Despite the fact that experienced yogis always compliment and enjoy my classes. I don't know. I wish I could teach full time and instead I'm teaching less and less. I feel horrible about it and kind of stupid and sad.

So those three things above are just things to get through and deal with. They'll pass, change, shift. J44 will get better, Sam will eventually die (well, she will) and I will find my way as a yogi.

This weekend I am getting a huge break. The kids are going to the beach with my mother-in-law. J44 is staying home because of his foot. At first D9 was staying home so I said I would stay home. This morning D9 decided he was going (really, you wouldn't believe the beach trip drama we've been going through this week) and I said I was still staying home to help J44, help Sam and just GET SOME SLEEP. Three days to breathe. Catch up on laundry, housecleaning. I'm going to the movies and doing a lot of quilting.

I'm really looking forward to it even though I'm really going to miss the kids.

Ugly

2011-09-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

I feel ugly. I feel stupid and clumsy and like I shouldn't be here. I get out of bed early. Around 5:15. I write my morning pages. It's like writing mud. Then I get on the mat. It's slow. It's sad. I spend 25, maybe 30 minutes on my mat. Doing slow, low poses. I try to listen to my body. Feel into my body. It's creaky. A little achy. I haven't been taking care of it.

I feel fat. I've been doing so much nervous eating. I've gained weight when I should be losing.

I feel like a fraud.

I miss the piano. I used to be someone who played two hours a day. That was college. But more recently I was someone who played an hour a day. How did I lose that?

To yoga? I can't do everything.

The mat, meditation, journaling. Those are essential. Must happen for my sanity.

Which might not seem so obvious right now.

I've been so discouraged lately. I don't know how to do this.

My kids need me so much right now. So so much. D9 and J13. They are in the middle of it. So much going on in those sweet little heads. So much worry and pain and growing and finding and fear and I want to stick my head in the sand, feel like I have been sticking my head in the sand.

Feeling like I had to much going on. Feeling like I'm not present enough. To caught up in wondering what if and why not and finding it impossible to be right here.

It is so stupid.

I feel stupid too.

I feel lost. I feel a bit of hopelessness and a whole lot of panic and not even here and how do I do this?

This being get dinner on the table every night and help J13 learn how to study and organize and grow and be comfortable in his own skin. And also remember I have a second child who needs me too. Who has doubts and insecurities and questions and fears.

How can I show my kids how to be comfortable in their skin when I'm not comfortable in mine?

Here's one no one likes to hear. I am sick to death tired of my job. It's stressful and it's demanding and I don't enjoy it. No, that's not quite it. I do enjoy it sometimes and I love my boss and the people I work with. But I'm not passionate about it. I do it because it is a sweet deal for me -- working at home and total flexibility to be home with the kids when they need me or to do stuff at school. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have this job and I am.

That said I feel lost. I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines and life is just whirling past me and I can't quite reach out and grab anything. It's just going to fast.

I feel like I almost can't quite breath. Not fully and deeply. Like I can't even quite hold onto the essentials.

Things That Almost Made Me Cry

2011-08-30T08:20:00.001-07:00

OK then. Last I blogged I was all freaked out about a Herbst Appliance being glued into my kids mouth.

After my rant last Wednesday about orthodontia I took J13 to a second orthodontist consult. The first orthodontist spent maybe a total of five minutes with us between three visits.

Orthodontist #2 spent about 45 minutes with us on the first visit. He patiently listened to my freak out about the Herbst Appliance. He talked to J13. Talked to us about the severity of his overbite/jaw issues (very very very bad). Said there are two doctors in this -- himself and me. Said we just need to take it one step at a time and that there are other options to the Herbst. That he didn't think it was the right thing for J13.

He also said we need to wait at least nine months because he has one baby tooth to lose and four permanent teeth still coming in.

Which begs the question why was ortho #1 in such a freaking hurry?

Yes, I almost cried in his office talking to him, it was such a relief to have someone listen and understand. We are still going to a third consult just because I had the appointment set up and it is an orthodontist highly recommended.

Yesterday J13 started swim team. Against his will. He loves to swim and his swim teacher (who won the state butterfly in her division three years in a row and is on full swim scholarship at college this year) said he "has a talent and a gift and really needs to be on a team."

He really resisted and we really insisted and finally told him he was joining a team.

Yesterday was the first day of practice. J44 was going to stop by after work so I hung around with some other parents. We were all talking and watching the kids swim. I left about half way through practice to pick up a pizza and meet the kids at home after practice. Later J13 told me he thought I left because he wasn't doing well.

I wish I could tell you I don't know where he gets this but I do.

The thing is I'm so proud of him for getting in there and swimming when he really didn't want to (except I think he kind of wants to). I know how hard this is for him. He's never done any sports. He's terrified of others watching him, of failing. But I'm pretty sure buried under all that is a fierce competitor who wants to succeed and who will fight for it.

I don't know if swimming will turn out to be one his things. I hope it will. I want him to have the physical confidence that will come with it. I want him to take a chance and work for something and allow himself to fall in love with it.

It really broke my heart when he said he thought I left because of what he was doing. I don't know if he thought I was embarrassed or ashamed or angry. The thing is I praise my kids, tell them I'm proud of them, I believe in them. I tell them all the time. Yesterday reminded me of how insecure and sensitive J13 can be and that I need to pay attention and figure out what I can do to boost his confidence. He's such an amazing kid. They both are. I just hope someday they can see it as much as I do.

Braces and Other Scary Stuff

2011-08-24T08:06:00.000-07:00

So J13 needs braces. We've been to the free consultation, had the x-rays/records taken and just this Monday got The Plan.

The Plan is three months with an expander on the roof of his mouth, three months of braces on his top teeth and then 12 - 18 months of this:

Are you kidding me? Here's a better picture:

Let me tell you something -- I miss potty training.

This nasty, horrifying torture devise is known as the Herbst Appliance. Google it if you dare.

This thing is creeping me out. Never mind my kids reaction when he saw it.

Looking at it makes me feel claustrophobic.

No I did not freak out in front of J13. I remained all calm and it's-no-big-deal. But I have pretty much been fetal on the inside since Monday afternoon.

I've been researching it on-line which has not been helpful. Note to self and all of you: Stay away from forums which feature teenagers discussing their feelings about braces.

OK, not all the teens were freaking out about it, but plenty were. One girl said she cried every day for two years. Lots of kids said it was not big deal once they got used to it. Several said it was hideous.

I just can't stand the idea of this being in my kid's mouth permanently for 18 months.

I did find an article by an oral surgeon saying he believes it can cause arthritis later in life and other permanent damage to the jaw.

If J13 is willing to wear a headgear every day for 12 hours and rubberbands 24/7 he can skip the Herbst.

My plan is this -- show him pictures of both the Herbst and the headgear and discuss the pros and cons of both and let him decide.

I'm also getting a second and possibly a third opinion. I'm sure the treatment plan will be the same but I'm dishing out $6,000 over the next few years. I'd like to make sure we are with the doctor/staff/office that fits us best.

I'm telling you I am really freaked out by this thing. The braces and all that don't bother me. Maybe because I wore them. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe not. I'm purposely dragging my kid once a month to a place which is going to cause him pain and discomfort. Even if it's what he needs and is best for him I hate it.

I thought the most painful part would be paying for it, but honestly it's putting him through it. I wore braces and it was not fun.

Have any of your kids worn a Herbst Appliance? I'm really looking for some advice/feedback on this whole ortho thing.

Am I crazy to get two more opinions? I have an appointment tomorrow and one for mid-September. I really want to get the whole thing started, but want to do what's right for J13.

Ten Word Tuesday - Who I Am

2011-08-23T03:40:00.001-07:00

I feel like Martha Stewart trapped in Pig Pen's body.

I Do Love Mondays

2011-08-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

After my rant yesterday I immediately got to work and got tons of stuff done around the house.

Took J13 to the doctor and got in and out in record time. Yes, he still has swimmer's ear. Poor kid. It's been about about four weeks now.

Brought him home, made lunch, ran and picked up his new meds and came home and got ALL THE LAUNDRY DONE.

I wouldn't lie to you about that. That wouldn't be nice. I really did get all the laundry done.

Also started gutting the kids room and they helped. The new rule is they get their butts in and help me or everything goes in the trash. Since they are terrified of having even the tiniest thing tossed (example: 1/8 of a body part of an unidentifiable toy from a Happy Meal purchased in 2001 -- "I NEED that, I LOVE that") they helped.

I even got them to toss some stuff. I did. And when they wander off and get distracted? I tossed, tossed tossed.

We still have a lot of work to do -- in this whole house, but I got a lot done.

And then this morning came. Although there is this moment right after I drop the kids off when I feel kind of bad and I miss them and wish they didn't have to go to school, I pretty much lose that the second I walk in the door and hear nothing and see no one but three crazy dogs.

I do love Mondays.

Waiting for Monday

2011-08-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pulled in a million directions and I know most women my age, in my situation feel the same way and a lot of them don't complain. Or I assume they don't complain. I think that's kind of part of my problem. I assume everyone around me is handling life graciously, easily and successfully.

I've been trying not to blog about anxiety, fear, the abyss (see anxiety and fear), stress, etc. But I have been freaking out. There's so much going on:

J44 has been having problems with his back since Father's Day. Since he works in commercial heating and air and we live in Georgia summers are extremely busy. He spends most of the time in the office at a desk -- except in the summer. Then he's out helping the techs and he ends up working a lot of weekends.

He's been having back problems all summer and hasn't worked on our house (mainly installing our central heat and air). The lawn needs mowing, there's just a lot that needs to be done and he hasn't been able to do. I was feeling really resentful about it Friday. Angry. Frustrated.

Yesterday morning he bent over to pick something up and BAM popped or pulled something and is more miserable then ever. It's horrible. It's bad enough I stopped feeling resentful. That's saying something. However I am still holding on to the frustration.

So there's my husband's back and lack of ability to help around the house.

I'm taking J13 back to the doctor today -- third visit -- for his ears. He was diagnosed with swimmer's ear at the beginning of the month. He's still having mild problems and I don't want to take him out of school to go to the doctor. I think it's nothing, but he's been taking motrin three times a day so obviously something is going on.

I'm still dealing with Sam (senile dog). She seems to be feeling good during the day and I've been giving her benadryl before I go to bed, She's not wandering at 11:00, but she is waking at 4:00 a.m. and will not settle down or stop barking until I sleep on the couch with her. So now I just get up when she barks once at 4:00 and settle down on the couch. She lays down and goes to sleep. This seems to be the only thing that works. She's old and senile and confused at night and she wants me with her and for some reason just won't settle down in our bedroom. Not sure why.

And then this afternoon I have to run over to my mom's to set up her new lawn mower so J13 can mow the lawn. I took her to buy it Friday. Jamie was planning on helping her buy it and set it up and mow the lawn -- but he can't because of his back. So I'm doing it. There goes my afternoon -- which means I'll be behind on laundry, cleaning (which I was going to do Friday, but I had to take her to buy the mower -- at which time she told me she had cleaned her house and if felt so good -- UGH).

I don't want to complain about all these things because they are part of this stage in my life. But I do feel worn out and afraid I am never going to have a second to breath. I feel like the anxiety and stress is slowly overtaking every inch of me. Honestly, I'm looking forward to Monday morning when everyone is out of this house and I can breathe and have some silence -- even though I'll be at work.

That's what it's come to. Waiting for Monday.

Friday Night At Home. Finally.

2011-08-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe this is happening. It's Friday night, 7:36 p.m. and my computer has not yet been confiscated by D9. So I'm grabbing this opportunity to post.

Should I tell you he is instead playing Angry Birds on my iPhone? He is.

I am so very pleased it's Friday night and I don't have to be anywhere.

Last weekend was busy -- I had a party Friday night (yes, me) and on Saturday a book signing at Barnes and Noble for our neighbor who just had her second mystery published. More about that later -- I have copies of both books (first two in a series) to give away.

This weekend I have NO PLANS. Besides teaching a class tomorrow, going to see The Help tomorrow night and probably going to my mom's to help her mow the lawn or at least set up her new lawn mower which I helped her buy today. Which leads directly to the lovely pomegranate mojito I just had at dinner.

It was yummy. And much needed.

That woman (my mother) stresses me out. In case I hadn't mentioned that before.

By the time I got home and got the kids doing homework it was to late to make dinner (OK not really). J44 came home and said we should go out. Like I would argue with that.

My plan for tonight is to post this post, put my jammies on, have a bowl of mint oreo ice cream and crawl into bed and start Tooth and Claw by Jo Walton. I read about this book on Nancy Pearl's blog. Love her blog. If you're a reader you need to check her out.

And that's it. I've been waiting all week to crawl into bed and read. At some point the kids will come and hang out with me or ask me to come watch a show or movie. Which I will probably do.

Weekend, I am so ready for you.

Poem Thursday - O'Donohue

2011-08-18T11:13:00.001-07:00

A very dear friend sent me this poem last week. She knew I was going through a rough time. This poem, every word of it, hit home and fed me and reminded me of where I'd been, where I am, and where I need to go.

This poem came to me at a time when I truly needed it. Thanks S, for sending this my way. You are truly a kindred spirit.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

by John O'Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,

Time takes on the strain until it breaks;

Then all the unattended stress falls in

On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before

Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you,

Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.

And you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down;

And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest

And patiently learn to receive the self

You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken

And sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;

Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up

To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain

When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,

Taking time to open the well of color

That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone

Until its calmness can claim you.

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.

Learn to linger around someone of ease

Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,

Having learned a new respect for your heart

And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

Samageddon - Another post about my senile dog

2011-08-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

Oh Sam. My sweet sweet Sammy dog.

12:45 a.m.

That's when I finally gave up last night and came to the couch. I woke her up from a deep sleep at 10:45, walked her (AGAIN) and gave her two Benedryl.

She then started the wandering.

Around 11:30 J came to bed and that's when the barking started. We decided that it was purely behavioral and not senility. Or rather behavior due to senility and dang it we are the adults/owners/alpha beings in this situation and she can just GET OVER IT.

So we locked her out of the bedroom side of the house and listened to her bark until 12:45. At which point J said "That's it she has to be put down."

At which point I grabbed my pillow and blanket and headed to the couch while he yelled after me "You are just giving into her behavior you know. You aren't changing anything."

To which I replied, "No shit."

As soon as I snuggled into the couch she laid down next to me and fell asleep. She slept until 6:30. This is actually huge progress.

Today she's been up and about more than usual. I think she really has gotten her days and nights switched and I'm going to keep giving her Benedryl and try and get her straightened out. I know the end is not to far away but it's not here yet.

We seem to be at the point where I need to put a lot of energy and thought into keeping her comfortable and aware of what's going on. She's been sleeping under my desk while I worked for 14 years. I'm not ready to let her go and I know it's not time yet. I'm not ready to lose my sweet Sam.

Monday, Stop Making Me Fall in Love With You

2011-08-15T10:39:00.001-07:00

Really it's Sunday night I should thank.

I had the perfect trifecta last night -- one chihuahua coughing all night, one senile mutt wandering the house and randomly barking, one 13 year old with swimmer's ear waking me up from a) the pain and b) the coughing chihuahua. It all kind of kept circling around on itself. I ended up on the couch -- which I do most nights now -- for Sam (senile dog). She wouldn't settle down so I watched The season premier of The Great Food Truck Race. I think I fell asleep around 4:00.

It was not easy getting everybody up and out the door this morning but we made it on time. I took Treasure to the vet for his cough (it's NOTHING. WHATEVER.) and then back home to finally work. And take calls from my mother about her never ending hunt for a mattress (yes, she moved here without a mattress) and her search for doctors.

At noon J13 called and wanted to come home due to his ears. I am to tired to fight this. And I kind of like having him home. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Also, as you can see from the photo above, Treasure is quite pleased as well.

Do you know what that boy did as soon as he had his ear drops and some Motrin? Without any prompting from me? Started studying. He's still at it two hours later. So proud of him.

Chihuahua in a quilt

2011-08-13T19:33:00.001-07:00

I'm working on quilting this quilt. It is taking FOREVER. The chihuahua is pretty sure I'm making it for him. Silly dog.

Friday

2011-08-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

This is the part where I try to start posting every day. The kids went back to school yesterday. I hate it and I love it. Mostly I love it.

J13 started 7th grade and at our school that's where you switch buildings and go to a middle school/high school system -- lockers, a different room/teacher for each class. All of that. It's a whole new game for him. It's good. It's time. He gave me the droopy attitude this morning and started telling me about how horrible it is and he doesn't want to go and I put my foot down and told him no screwing around. I am not going through the mopey mornings this year. I can't take it. He does have one kid that picks on him and the other smart/unathletic kids. Yesterday when J13 was at his locker this kid walked past him, ran into him and said, "hey, watch it." J13 turned to him and said "Hey you ran into me!" I'm glad he's willing to stand up to him. The kid pisses me off and I'd like to kick his ass but I suppose that wouldn't be appropriate.

D9 started 3rd grade yesterday. His nemesis (a smart mouthed little girl) is on the other 3rd grade class and his best friend is sitting next to him in the back row. I don't think he could ask for a better start to the year.

My mom has been here almost two weeks. The first week was so much worse than I thought it would be. Pretty freaking horrible. This week was a little better. The worst thing is she'll just stop by without calling. Annoying. I'm going to have to talk to her. It's not every day. In her mind the seven miles between my house and her house is a great distance. I don't quite understand this since she previously lived 12 hours away. I think she assumed when she moved to Macon she would be right around the corner. I don't know why. The first few days she complained a lot that her house was seven miles from mine. In fact she complained about EVERYTHING. It was horrible. I finally got onto her about it. Then two hours later yelled at my family for complaining about my mother. The week went downhill fast after that.

I'm definitely feeling pulled in a million directions. Work, kids, mother, husband, yoga. I'm kind of not liking it, but I know it will all be OK. She'll settle in and get involved in her church. I'll find something else to blog about. Eventually. I promise.

Tired. Really Tired.

2011-08-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

So this is what 44 is all about.

I have one senile dog who does not sleep at night. She paces and paces and paces and randomly barks. Sometimes she gets lost in the bathroom. When I say lost I mean she is standing in the bathroom facing the open door, the light is on, and she barks until I help her out.

I had her checked out -- blood work is fine. They want to put her on the same medicines humans take for alzheimer's. It's $3.00 a day. I really can't afford that right now. Although I'm ready to cave and put her on the drugs and not tell my husband I'm dropping $100 a month on the dog. But I think he'll notice. It's breaking my heart. I don't think she has much time left. In the meantime I am tired.

My mom moved here on Sunday. It's rough. On Tuesday I basically got onto her and my family and told them all to stop complaining about it. Mom was unhappy with pretty much everything in her new house and the location and just on and on and on. My husband and children were complaining about my mom. I finally told them all I couldn't live like that anymore and they had to shut up.

I just feel like I have another person to take care of. I know it's extra crazy now because she is getting used to a new town and having to take care of all the new stuff. The moving truck doesn't even get here until Monday so she has no furniture, no cooking utensils. I've gone from talking to her maybe once a week to talking to her many times a day.

The kids start school next week. I still need to buy supplies. I don't want them to go back.

My husband and kids are at the beach for four days. Yes, I was mad at him for planning a trip four days after my mom arrived. I felt like I needed to stay in town to help her. That said I quickly filled my schedule up with other stuff.

I also felt like I couldn't take off teaching yoga again since I just did so in July for a business trip.

Ugh. I'm busy and I'm tired. I don't really think I should complain to much because I don't know any other person my age who isn't crazy busy and being pulled in a million directions.

Last night I taught a yoga class and did a private lesson afterwards. It was great. I had a blast and I was energized and felt wonderful afterwards.

This morning when I came to work I just felt heart sick having to sit down and take care of this stuff. But I just tuck that away -- that my job is just a job and isn't something I'm crazy about and that I have found something I'd like to do full-time but I can't because we need my income. Desperately.

I am a little tired of being there for everybody else and still trying to follow my path or whatever you want to call it.

If my dog would sleep I'd probably feel a lot better.

I feel like I shouldn't blog because I'm just whining. And scared. And tired.

Not sure I mentioned the tired part.

2011-07-20T03:20:00.000-07:00

I've been at my mom's since late Sunday night. We spent all day Monday and most of yesterday packing. She is a little freaked out. Monday she was walking around, picking things up, walking five feet and them putting them down, grabbing her head and saying, "I don't know what to do!!!"

It's been ugly.

I repacked and semi-sorted through a bunch of stuff that's been in storage in the basement. I'm inheriting my Grandma's china. I repacked it and I'm not sure I had seen it before. I didn't remember the pattern. I think it's been in storage since the early/mid 1970s. There's no time to go through everything that needs to be gone through. We're moving a lot of stuff that will get tossed -- generations of family pictures, papers (my mom still had the invoices from when I was in college. and the invoices from when SHE was in college), and other totally bizarre stuff.

I'm pretty sure the next time a lot of this will see daylight will be when my mom dies and I have to sort through the stuff. Hopefully at that point I'll be able to toss it. We're in such a hurry now to get her out of this house there hasn't been time to go through everything.

I am a little frustrated that she wants to hold onto stuff that is just trash and then wants to give away something significant -- like a western shirt my grandmother made for my mom, including hand embroidery, braiding and those little pearlized snap buttons. She wanted to give it to Goodwill!!!

It's in my suitcase.

Today I'm switching gears and going to D.C. for an all day meeting with a new client and our creative team. I'm looking forward to it because it's such a rare thing for me to do. I love D.C. Last night we had dinner in Dupont Circle and today we'll be near Union Station. It's nice to do that every once in a while and I'm so glad I don't have to do it (the commute, the meetings) every day.

Freaking Out Mindfully

2011-07-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

I think freaking out mindfully best describes my state of mind.

Things are progressing with my mom's move to Macon. I can't believe this is happening. I'm so freaked out. There's two stresses. The first is just getting her here -- buying the house, getting her packed, all of that. I've been over to the house three times now to deal with inspections and related issues. I don't really like being the middle person on this -- relaying to her what's happening. Especially since it's so difficult for her to make decisions and she is so ready to rely on me. The second stress is that she will be a part of my day to day life and have such easy access to me.

When we moved to Georgia it was a relief to get away from her and not have her so in my business. I don't want to deal with it. Am I ready to? I think so. Am I stronger then I was then? Yes. But I still don't want to do it.

All of that is just heaped on top of the usual -- work stuff, school starts in four weeks. FOUR WEEKS. I feel like summer just started. I've ordered uniforms and need to fill out forms, buy supplies, etc. J13 has to read two books and write a summary on them. We've barely started.

I'm leaving Saturday morning for a two day meditation retreat at the yoga studio I trained at. Really looking forward to that. Then Sunday evening I'm flying to MD to help my mom pack. Not looking forward to that. Although I'll get some work time in with my boss and I'll be meeting a new client that will potentially/hopefully take me to Amsterdam and other places. So there is good to look forward to.

Poemish Thursday

2011-07-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

This is what you shall do

by Walt Whitman

"This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."

"This is what you shall do..." by Walt Whitman, from the preface of Leaves of Grass. Public domain.

This appeared on The Writer's Almanac Monday.

Tuesday

2011-06-28T03:26:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. My mom and I spent four hours yesterday day looking at houses. The second to last house is a definite possibility. I honestly think she should make an offer on it, but I think we're probably going to look at some more today.

The tension/energy in this house is so bad when my mom visits that things break every time. This visit our dining room air conditioner (yes we still have window units) broke FIVE MINUTES after she walked in the house. The chain on the toilet broke about two hours after she arrived and this morning when I tried to lock my office door (for some much needed privacy) it broke. I think it's a combination of her nervousness/uptightness/tension and the way the energy in my family changes knowing how difficult it's going to be having her here.

The sad part is the same kind of energetic shifts happen within me. Things break. Usually by 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon I'm so exhausted I just want to go to bed.

I hope we find a house for her today. My family is headed for the beach Friday and the kids are staying for the week with my MIL. J44 and I are driving back Monday and I was hoping for a quiet week before I headed up to Maryland to help her pack. I'd be willing to go up to MD next week, just to keep things moving. There's a lot to do.

I Never Procrastinate Procrastinating

2011-06-25T17:40:00.001-07:00

Our house is an unbelievable mess and I really need to clean up before my mom gets here this week -- she'll be here for a few days house hunting.

Knowing that I had an incredible amount of decluttering (shoving stuff in closets she hopefully won't snoop in -- and under beds) and cleaning ahead of me today I chose to make chocolate chip cookies last night and then crawl into bed early. I had gone to the library Thursday and picked up a couple of books. I've been having a hard time settling into a book for awhile, but clearly I had found the perfect time to dig in.

I woke up early this morning -- before 7:00 -- and came out to the living room to read so the dogs would come with me and let the kids sleep. I ended up reading until 8:30.

I spent the next few hours wandering around, picking stuff up, feeding the kids and reading a chapter or so every once in a while.

Really, I haven't been able to keep at a book in forever and now I can't put them down. I know it has nothing to do with all of the work I should be doing and that if I allow myself to actually think I am easily overwhelmed by the fact that my mother will be staying here for at least a few days and then OMG she is going to be living within minutes of me for the first time in 16 years.

I taught a yoga class at noon, came home and fed the kids, dragged them out to my mother-in-law's so we could say good-bye to some family friends who are moving this week. Came home, sort of made dinner (while I was reading). Cleaned up a little. Read some more. Sort of made more dinner for my husband who worked 12 hours today.

Then I finished my book.

Now I'm waiting for another pan of cookies to cool off so I can crawl into bed with a cup of tea, a couple of cookies and another book.

I need to be well rested for my marathon of cleaning and decluttering tomorrow.

Or Monday.

Or Whenever.

Things Are Happening

2011-06-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

My mom sold her house Wednesday. It's craziness. She didn't have to put it on the market. Her realtor had someone who wanted to buy a house in her development, they looked at the house for five minutes Tuesday evening and Wednesday evening she signed the contract for the price she asked. No negotiation, no waiting for months on end.

If it's going to happen this is the best way for it to happen.

I'm pretty sure next week she'll be here looking for a house. I'm going to try and take the week off, for the most part, and go house hunting with her. She has a little over a month to find a house and get her stuff packed up and down here.

I'm less freaked out then I thought I would be.

My main goal is to take care of myself and my family through all this, be kind to my mother, not let her drive me crazy, and be true to myself.

That last one is coming from a conversation I had with her last time she was here (and countless others). I said something about usually getting up around 5:00 or 5:30 every morning and she said, "I know you do. To read the Bible. RIGHT?" It was her way of being reassured that I was still walking the straight and narrow and one and only path she believes in.

I came really close to saying, "No, I get up and journal, do yoga and meditate." I really did almost tell the truth, but then I caved and said, "yeah,"

I don't like that I do this. Obviously it's not the first time I've told her what she wanted to hear and living 1,000 miles from her makes it easy to hide my life from her and not deal with her disapproval and criticism and all out panic for the state of my soul.

After that last conversation I determined to become stronger and if she gets snoopy about my personal/spiritual life to be honest about it.

It's one thing to tell her what she wants to hear or just not give out info when I'm just talking to her once or twice a week.

It's a whole other thing when she's going to be walking into my house whenever the hell she feels like it and totally getting into my business.

It's not going to be fun. So I'm going to go ahead and get started right now with being strong and honest about my life.

That sounds pretty impressive. We'll see how it goes.

In other news J13 is trying out for a swim team today! He's not fighting me on it either. He's actually bringing it up in conversation and I think he actually wants to do it -- to check it out anyways. I'm just excited that at this point he isn't screaming and kicking and crying about it. That he's going along with it. He's a natural swimmer and he needs something like this. He needs to at least try.

Back to Blogging -- Just in Time

2011-06-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

Yes Sophia, I'm back to blogging. And just in time.

My mother is moving to Macon (where I live). Possibly by July 30th. Yeah, that gives me something to blog about. She's possibly accepting a contract on her house in Maryland today. Am I ready? No. This is not something it is possible to ever be ready for.

I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. Although that may be denial. I am hoping I'm getting to the point where I can live my life and not worry about what she says about it -- that seems kind of pathetic to say at the age of 44 but there it is. Maybe that's what the 40s are all about, at least for me.

There's a lot of stuff in my life she doesn't like and she has her passive aggressive way of showing it. If I weren't on my way to teach yoga (which she disapproves of) and slip in some meditation (which she disapproves of) I would probably explain that. But don't worry. I'm sure I'll get around to it sooner rather than later.

So far it's been a great summer. The boys are at great ages -- 9 and 13. Independent but they still want to be with me.

I'm taking J13 to try out for a swim team Friday afternoon. Against his will. Because I think it will be good for him and if not it won't kill him. He'll never initiate anything on his own.

I'm sure this summer cold/virus/whatever it is that I'm suffering from today is not related to the stress of my mom's imminent arrival. Or that I have to go up there in a few weeks and help her pack. Just talking to her on the phone about moving (should she save the vases she hasn't used in 20 years???? WHAT IF SHE NEEDS THEM???? OH. MY. GOD!!!!) practically gives me hives. I'd really like to crawl in bed but I've got to teach. Hoping no one shows up tonight so I can come home early.

Ten Word Tuesday

2011-06-21T08:23:00.002-07:00

First day of summer, already shopping for school uniforms. Seriously.

Ten

2011-06-21T08:23:00.001-07:00

Saturday - ebooks vs. actual books

2011-05-14T05:27:00.000-07:00

There's not much going on and to much going on. I keep meaning to blog.

Thanks so much to everyone for the wonderful book recommendations. As soon as I saw Mrs. Chili's recommendation to read Outlander I remembered how many people had told me to read it and I immediately downloaded it to my Nook. I really like it, although I'll be honest and tell you I'm skimming some of the sections -- like the long section where they are breaking Jamie out of jail (hope that isn't to much of a spoiler). I'm not sure what it is. I really do like this book, but sometimes I feel like she drags on and on.

I'm also suspicious that part of this is because I'm reading it on the Nook. I got the Nook for Christmas and I love it. I think.

Of course when I first got it I thought it was the best thing ever. A couple of months ago something weird happened to the screen (and this time it wasn't my fault) and it took me a month or so to take it to Barnes and Noble and get it replaced. During that month I went back to the library and checked out some old fashioned books and found that I really missed holding an actual book. I missed the feel of it, the weight of it. The smell.

I love my Nook. I had a business trip this weekend and it is so convenient to slip the Nook into my briefcase. Outlander comes in around 750 pages. I'm glad I wasn't lugging that through the airport and trying to store it in the seat back in front of me.

I also bought The Seventeen Day Diet. I know. But my mother-in-law is going to do it and she's convinced (because a friend of hers did) that she is going to lose tens and tens of pounds. Honestly? I can't let my MIL be skinnier then me (see how petty I am). So I'm thinking of trying it.

But my point was that I bought the diet book on my nook and I'm having trouble reading it. I think because I usually skim and skip around in diet books and that's harder to do on an ebook.

I conclude that I love both kinds of books and will continue to read both.

And again thanks for the book recommendations. I'm planning on making that my summer reading list.

help

2011-05-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

I need a book to read. Suggestions?

Shopping Makes My Ass Look Fat

2011-04-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

Why I'm Drinking a Double Pomegranate Martini

Guess what? Shopping makes my ass look fat. I'm not making this up. It's true.

You may have noticed this yourself.

At home you're safe.

But as soon as you hit the store and dare to go into the dressing room, there it is. Your ass has doubled in size. Then it's all over. Even when you leave the store it's there. In the windows of the stores you walk past. In the mirrors they so stupidly place around the store.

In the horrified faces of the other women you walk past.

Today I went shopping for some summerish pants -- something below the knee but above the ankle.

What a nightmare.

I tried on a lot of pants -- but there was something wrong with all of them. They all made my ass look fat. Gargantuan. I know it can't really be that bad can it?

But it is. Oh it is.

I finally broke down and bought a pair at one of those chain stores targeted at middle aged women such as myself.

I hate those stores.

They looked so bad my husband commented on them and he never says anything.

In fact they were so bad he sent me out shopping again after dinner.

Now you know it was bad.

I ended up, out of desperation, buying a couple pairs that will get me through the summer and OK I even like them.

Although that could be the vodka talking.

You know what the worst part is? I have two swimsuits sitting in my room that I ordered but have not tried on yet. I'm gonna need a hell of a lot more martinis before I face that.

New Yorker Fiction Podcast -- Go Listen

2011-04-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on some podcasts. One of my favorites is The New Yorkers Fiction Podcast. You can download it on iTunes and and XML.

If you're not familiar with the podcast an author picks a short story that has appeared in The New Yorker, reads the story and then discusses it with Deborah Treisman, fiction editor for the magazine.

It's a great way to find new authors -- both those reading and those being read.

I just listened to Joshua Ferris read Adams by George Saunders. I hadn't heard of either Ferris or Saunders. Now I want to read both of them. You can read Adams here, but I recommend downloading the podcast here.

This story might be a little dark for some of you, but it's also funny and relevant.

Early Freaking Summer

2011-04-25T08:51:00.001-07:00

I know some of you had snow a couple of weeks ago. So sorry.

Here in lovely middle Georgia we are having summer. It's going to be 88 degrees here today.

This weather is playing Jedi mind tricks on me. I am ready for summer vacation. I'm so tired of making the kids go to school.

We cleaned out the pool and filled it up last week and I spent most of Saturday and Sunday in the backyard gardening while the kids swam.

In the past two weeks I've planted tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, bell peppers, basil, thyme (two kinds), oregano (two kinds), dill, cilantro, and parsley (two freaking kind).

Much of that went into newly dug beds. Dug out of sod. Not fun.

I've also cleaned out my front yard flowers and planted a bunch of gerbera daisies, marigolds and zinnias. I'm having daily conversations with the mint and chocolate mint because they are threatening to take over everything. Which I love. But really it's ridiculous.

I also relocated two azaleas.

Dang, I am quite awesome aren't I?

Also the lavender is out of control. It needs to be trimmed back but it's blooming and I can't cut it when it's blooming. I mean I can, I just won't. It also produces quite a few babies which I can't throw away, but keep planting. Eventually my yards are going to be solid lavender, mint and oregano. Which might not be a bad thing.

Don't even get me started on the rosemary.

Most of our backyard is a jungle so I'm trying to trim hedges and cut down trees. This summer I'm really going to try and clean it up. I hired my ex-lawn guy to trim the front hedges because I hate that job so very much. Also whenever he comes by we discuss literature, world travel, art, yoga, boating, running, etc. The only thing that would make him better would be if he were still my lawn guy and not my ex-lawn guy.

Friday. A Poem.

2011-04-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

April is Poetry Month.

I'm sure you are all as excited as I am.

You should be.

So here's a poem that came via e-mail yesterday. It's nice. Hope you like it.

Oh, and maybe I will start blogging something besides poetry again.

Maybe.

These Heroics

by Leonard Cohen

If I had a shining head

and people turned to stare at me

in the streetcars;

and I could stretch my body

through the bright water

and keep abreast of fish and water snakes;

if I could ruin my feathers

in flight before the sun;

do you think that I would remain in this room,

reciting poems to you,

and making outrageous dreams

with the smallest movements of your mouth?

Poem Thursday - Frost

2011-03-31T05:54:00.000-07:00

Acquainted with the Night

by Robert Frost

I have been one acquainted with the night.

I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.

I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.

I have passed by the watchman on his beat

And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet

When far away an interrupted cry

Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;

And further still at an unearthly height,

O luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.

I have been one acquainted with the night.

Poem Thursday - Potter

2011-03-24T08:58:00.001-07:00

Some day I'm going to find poetry some place other than The Writer's Almanac. But not today.

You and I

by Jonathon Potter

You are a warm front

that moved in from the north,

a blind spot bearing beautiful gifts,

a garden in the air, a golden filament

inscribed with the name of God's hunting dog,

a magic heirloom mistaken for a feather duster,

a fountain in a cow pasture, an anachronistic anagram

annoyed by annonymity, a dollar in the pocket

of a winter coat in summer.

And I am the discoverer of you.

ten word tuesday - essentials

2011-03-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

yoga

meditation

poetry

books

friends

silence

sleep

time

space

words

A Very Late Thank You

2011-03-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

Nine days ago Sophia gave me The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award and I am now just thanking here.

Which was not all that sweet of me. Huge apologies and a bigger thank you to her for thinking of me. She mentioned to me on Twitter a few days ago that we have been blog friends for a long time and through a total of four blogs between the two of us. Love that girl and so thankful for the award!

The rules for the award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award.

2. Share four guilty pleasures that you have.

3. Pass the award on to six other blogs.

Four guilty pleasures:

1. Glee

2. Buying fabric (I have a problem)

3. Sookie Stackhouse books

4. Starbucks Chai Lattes

6 Irresistibly Sweet Bloggers:

1. A Road With A View

2. Jenn at Juggling Life

3. Motherscribe

4. Random Thoughts of a City Mouse

5. Unlikely Oilfield Wife

6. Sweet Tea and Sunshine

The Beach

2011-03-18T05:49:00.000-07:00

I can't really complain about much today. It's spring. The kids get out of school at noon. D8 has a birthday party to go to right after school. J12 and I will come home and start packing for the beach. When J gets home from work we'll hit the road. I-16 all the way to Savannah, north on I-95 for 40 miles, then west on some two lane road whose name/number I can't remember, headed to Charleston. That's my favorite part of the trip. Driving through the swampy lowlands, although it will be dark by the time we get there.

We skirt around Charleston, and head towards Surfside Beach, SC, where my mother-in-law's condo is. At this point in the trip there are times when you can see the ocean on the right ride side of the GPS, we're that close to the beach. Just to our right. We've made the trip so many times we don't need the GPS but we like to watch it count down the miles and minutes. Through my MIL's generosity this has become our second home.

My children are happy there. So am I. We have our favorite places to go to. Our favorite putt-putts (we play every day). Our favorite pools. Restaurants. Of course the beach.

We take almost nothing but flip-flops, shorts, swim suits and sweatshirts. We eat pizza, play putt-putt, go to the bookstore, talk about the things we'll do next time (always the same things -- play real golf, take the helicopter ride, go to the state park, kayak, bring our bikes).

The kids take all this happiness and contentment for granted. I'm glad that they do. I'm glad they can.

I used to play this game when J12 was younger. I would compare his life with the way my life was at his age. I would think about traumas I had experienced and that he had not. I would steel myself for the time when really bad things would start happening to him.

Taking my kids to the beach. Seeing them safe and happy and not knowing hell yet. There's not much more I want to give them. I know there's tough stuff coming. None of us avoid it. For the next couple of days everything will seem suspended.

That's enough for now.

Can't Even Cry

2011-03-17T02:41:00.000-07:00

I'm lost. I think I'm looking though. No I know I am. Something's going on. I want to cry. But I can't. I actually almost did a few minutes ago.

My alarm goes off at 5 every morning. I wake up at 4:45 a.m. My body, my mind, is telling me to get the hell out of bed. I've been fighting and fighting and fighting. I got pretty low but I think the changing that is happening in me is stronger then the resistance. Finally.

I want to cry. I want to write. I do. I've been reading some incredibly honest, put-it-out-all-out-there bloggers lately and I kind of make myself sick for just bullshitting and doing this half-ass.

A lot is happening.

Sometimes, most of the time, I worry to much about what you will say or think. Especially if I know you.

I miss people and I feel so stuck. This can't possibly be my life. I can't possibly live here. I had the conversation with my husband where we said the words to each other "do you want to be here?" "do you want to stay?" "do you want this to last?"

So I get up at 5:00 to do yoga and meditate. This morning I get to the mat and I feel lost. I know what to do but I don't know what to do. I spend most of my time in child's pose. I keep coming back to it. I want to cry but I can't. I saw some of my yoga friends Sunday night and I felt them slipping away. Maybe not slipping away. I felt the time that had passed between graduation and Sunday. The month that had passed, the places we had been without each other. The people we had seen, the things we had done. I don't know. Maybe that's just my usual shutting down, pulling away, giving up.

They are so far away -- 90 minutes. I am so here. With my job, my kids, my marriage, my house. I can't get to them. Every time I talk to them something comes up that reminds me where I am.

So I spend most of my time in child's pose. Finally, I start to cry. But just the beginning, no tears come. I start to let go. I'm holding on so tight to this stuff, whatever it is. But for just a second, just a moment, I start to let go.

Yesterday after meditation in the morning, I laid down, in a fetal position, and I felt a little safe and a little warm. And I guess that's the beginning. I guess that's what I'm coming to this mat for. To go deeper and deeper and deeper and pull all that shit out and look at it and let it go and move on. I don't know how and I know how. I'm lost and I'm found. I'm beautiful and about as fucking ugly as can be. I'm a little bit dead and completely alive.

a flower

2011-03-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of drowning. Not keeping up.

So this viola grew in the front steps again this year. Well, it's a different one then last year, but it's happened two years in a row. Makes me happy. Every time I come in the house it's there reminding me. If it can grow in an impossible place at an impossible time, maybe I can too.

Blog Much? Well, No, Not Lately I Don't

2011-03-01T08:45:00.001-08:00

Oh good grief. No, I haven't been posting. I meant to. Really I did.

I've been busy. Yeah, haven't we all? I'm still in post-yoga-teacher-training sadness. Apparently it lasts awhile.

I'm scared. Yep. Try to be shocked. I think at the very core of me where they say all the goodness and happiness resides (I don't know who, somebody out there is saying it right now, trust me) there is really just a little lump of fear and sadness.

I've posted before (and I'm not looking it up, it's probably been deleted anyways) about how I didn't think people can change (specifically me). Well, yoga has pretty much shot that idea to hell.

I now believe in change. Cue the sunshine and dancing flowers.

I have changed, I am changing, I will continue to change.

Or I am just rediscovering my true self or whatever (yes, there are people out there, right now, also saying that).

Tomato, Tomahto I say.

Whatever it is it's sluggish and slow and hard and something feels like it's trying it's damnedest to pull me the hell backwards. It's making me tired.

It's weird. Because I feel happy. Good. Positive and then all of a sudden scared wanting to hide from everybody and run away. I'm so good at that -- running and hiding.

I really want to do that right now.

I'm not. I'm staying. Trying to sit still. Shut up. Just be here. But I don't like it. Not at this moment. Not one little bit.

Poem Thursday - Rumi

2011-02-24T12:37:00.000-08:00

This week has been crazy busy and kind of kicking my ass. So glad tomorrow is Friday. Hope you enjoy a little Rumi today:

Zero Circle
by Rumi

Be helpless, dumbfounded
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up.
We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we're lying.
If we say No, we don't see it,
that No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit.
So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.

Way More Then 10 Word Tuesday

2011-02-22T06:11:00.000-08:00

First of all -- is it "then" or "than?"

And do the quote marks on the above sentence go before or after the question mark?

I want to write and tell you about the birthday party I went to Saturday night and how wonderful it was and how a friend helped me prep for it and how freaking amazing it was to spend time with my friends. I really need to write that post.

But not today.

I took it easy yesterday -- since it was a no school day for the kids. OK, since I felt like it.

So I'm kind of behind on everything and this morning has started out wacky.

First I went to make lunches and didn't have the stuff I needed. So I rushed the kids, we left five minutes early (so on time) and I ran into Kroger and picked up stuff for them.

Then, as we are driving to school, D8 says "I forgot my glasses." UGH. Of course he did.

So I dropped them off, came home, walked the dogs, thankyouGod found the glasses, drove back to school and while I was driving got a text asking if I could sub teach for a yoga class tonight.

Yes! No! Yes! It will be my second class so the whole thing is still pretty scary to me. I'm forcing myself to do it. I have to get through the scary first few classes.

So today is kinda busy, already late to work, having lunch with my husband, need to go back to the grocery store and I'm dying to start a baby quilt that I'm determined to get done for a shower on March 19.

Stop laughing. I can to so do it.

Maybe.

Friday Anxiety.

2011-02-18T05:51:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a 1920s themed party at a bar in Atlanta. I'm supposed to dress up.

Huh.

This is so out of my comfort zone it's not even funny.

I don't go to parties. I don't dress up.

Still, I bought a flapperish dress, a hat, borrowed some shoes. Put it all on and ohmygod I look like an 80 year old woman going to a funeral. An 80 year old woman going to a funeral who thought she could pull off a dress with spaghetti straps.

Holy crap.

I have never in my life worn spaghetti straps.

I'm totally panicking this morning on what to wear to this party. Or if I should go. It's a testament to how much I love the birthday girl and my other friends who will be there that I'm trying to pull my shit together to go.

I want to see everyone and I also want to really keep pushing myself to open up and do new things and not not not not slip back into the old me who was just half of me. At best.

I'm buying a back up outfit of black jeans and something to go with it just in case I can't pull the flapper thing off.

Damn. I have to go shopping now.

poem thursday -- you must read this poem (and i rambled)

2011-02-17T04:02:00.000-08:00

It's hard to start coming into your own at the age of 43. It really is.

Does this happen to everyone?

Are we constantly evolving or do we change in spurts or does both happen?

Well, I've been stagnant for years but slowly finding my way to this point. Finding yoga five or six years ago. My practice coming and going but always wanting more. Signing up for teacher training and then finding myself in an environment and with people that force me to take a look at myself and start to dig back to my true self instead of hiding and waiting and being scared.

I'm meeting resistance and that's hard. I don't know what the line is -- when does it become selfish to become yourself?

I've tried writing about the above a bunch of times the last day or two and decided to skip it and post a poem today -- and of course started rambling at you and writing about it a bit anyways.

Then a wonderful thing happened. I was tracking down a poem I'd heard in a yoga class (which I'll use next week) and I came upon the following poem, which says perfectly how I am feeling right now. Describes what I'm going through. Also, I discovered a new (to me) poet.

I love when this happens, when a poem, song, book, person finds you exactly at the moment you need them. That happened this morning when I found this poem.

You know what? It also happened when I went to teacher training and found my new yogi friends. They came into my life exactly when they were supposed to. I think I will not let go of them.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for,

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,

for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow.

If you have been opened by life's betrayals or

have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,

without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own;

if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,

be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true,

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,

if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;

I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day,

and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine,

and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,

weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Ten Word Tuesday

2011-02-15T04:25:00.003-08:00

Today I will not take the path of least resistance.

Ten Word Tuesday

2011-02-15T04:25:00.001-08:00

Today I will not take the path of least resistance.

Ugh. Yeah, I said UGGGHHH

2011-02-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

You would think since I graduated from yoga teacher training on Saturday I'd be all blissed out and enlightened today.

Instead I feel cranky and grouchy and scared. Ugh. Yucky. I feel yucky. I miss everyone so much. We spent a lot of time in circle (yes, like kindergarten) and doing all this emotionally intense soul searching stuff. Damn it if I didn't get ridiculously attached to these people and actually made friends.

I know.

Yes I am proud of myself for completing the course and getting certified. It doesn't really seem to mean much to me though. It's just barely the beginning. I don't really know anything about teaching or yoga or any of it.

I'm scared my old life, my real life is going to suck me back into the old me. The stuck me. The one that stopped believing in change or hope or people or puppies or any damn thing.

I feel like, over the past few months I dropped a lot of all the yucky stupid stuff that's built up over the past 15 years and has been holding me down.

Now I'm scared it's going to come back.

Also, losing all that stuff, I can see how much change I want in my life. How much more change. How unhappy I am with my job. How I don't really want to live in this town anymore. I miss the city. Spending so much time in Atlanta, with my new friends. I'm so afraid of losing that.

But I know I'm going to lose it. But do I have to?

Are you still reading this post? It's a mess.

I'm a mess today. I'm not happy. I'm scared. I want those people back. I want the circle back. I want the safety of the circle back.

I know the point of the whole thing was to bring about actual, real change so we could become our true, genuine selves get out there and help people. And I want to do that.

Today, and for a few more days, I'm in mourning.

I have to leave so much behind to move ahead.

Poem Thursday - Bly

2011-02-10T04:46:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorites. So very true.

The Face in the Toyota

by Robert Bly

Suppose you see a face in a Toyota

One day, and you fall in love with that face,

And it is Her, and the world rushes by

Like dust blown down a Montana street.

And you fall upward into some deep hole

And you can’t tell God from some grain of sand.

And your life is changed, except that now you

Overlook even more than you did before;

And these ignored things come to bury you,

And you are crushed, and your parents

Can’t help you anymore, and the woman in the Toyota

Becomes a part of the world that you don’t see.

And now the grain of sand becomes sand again,

And you stand on some mountain road weeping.

Does Anything Ever Happen on a Wednesday? K, I'll Rant.

2011-02-09T11:43:00.000-08:00

Since I am unofficially committed to blogging every week day -- at least for awhile -- I'm desperately trying to think of something to post about today.

I'll admit I thought about posting that my cat likes to eat dog food. She's flexible that way.

Then this morning when I was going through the excruciating ordeal of J12 getting dressed I thought I had the perfect post. I mean really. How long can it take one child to get dressed. What is there to day dream about when you are putting on your shoes? OK, fine if it happens once. But every single day?

And no. No I don't think you need to stop and play with the dog and the cat and the other dog and the OTHER dog when you are on your way to the bathroom to brush. your. teeth.

OK and that's another thing. He's 12. He's starting to take longer in the bathroom. He's in there to brush teeth and put on deodorant. I think he's checking himself out in the mirror. Ha. This cracks me up. Because at this point I'm not getting any indication that he cares one way or the other what girls think.

Except I am starting to get indications that he cares one way or the other what girls think.

For instance. If his hair is mussed up in the morning (he still showers at night) (he'd be so pleased to know I share this on the internet) I'll get a comb and we'll fix it. He used to whine and fidget. Now he says, "what about my hair?" Ha. HA HA HA. He's growing up despite himself. Probably despite me as well.

Yesterday he told me they are studying health in science. I said, "oh, are you guys talking about sex?"

He said, "no."

I said, "You will."

"But there's a gross picture."

I said, "Naked lady? Boobs?"

"NO! A bladder!!"

"The sex is coming" I told him.

That night he had the exact same conversation with his dad and I was listening in and I said, "Someday you are actually going to want to have sex."

He was grossed out.

Good. Because I am not ready for that yet.

All right. There you go. A post. Maybe not a rant, but it's Wednesday.

I give myself points for showing up.

Ten Word Tuesday

2011-02-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel small and forgotten, reaching for your hand.

Endings, Beginnings

2011-02-04T07:14:00.000-08:00

This weekend is my last full weekend of yoga teacher training (YTT). We graduate on the 12th. This is our last full two days together. I'm so sad it's almost over. I'm also very excited it's almost over.

There are so many good things I could (and probably will) tell you about this experience. Honestly one of the nicest things has been having those two solid days and one night completely to myself. Once I leave the house I don't have to worry about anything except YTT. It's been awfully self-indulgent. Doing yoga, hanging out with friends, learning about something I really want to know more about. Not doing laundry, or cooking or running errands or cleaning or dragging everyone to church or just all the average stuff we do on the weekends.

That said today I am rushing around trying to get a few things ready that I have to do this weekend at YTT, packing, buying groceries, etc. etc. etc. and I'm a little tired of that too -- the getting ready for weekends away.

I kind of can't remember what it's like to just have a nice quiet weekend.

One of the challenges for me is that I live 90 minutes from where I'm training. The other students -- my new friends -- all live up there. They talk a lot about what will happen afterwards and doing stuff together etc. and I feel left out. Because I will be. Which is no one's fault.

I'm committing to getting back up there on a regular basis. I know how life can get in the way of that.

It's bittersweet. It is a big accomplishment to finish the training. That said I feel like I don't know a damn thing about teaching yoga and that my training, much of it, begins once I do start teaching.

I'm in that place where I don't want something to end and I can't wait for it to end all at the same time. It's kind of a nice place to be, if you don't have to stay to long.

Poem Thursday - Hafiz

2011-02-03T05:51:00.000-08:00

All The Hemispheres

by Hafiz

Leave the familiar for awhile.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out

Like a welcomed season

Onto the meadows and shores and hills.

Open up to the Roof.

Make a new water-mark on your excitement

And love.

Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.

Change rooms in your mind for a day.

All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.

Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms

As you mount the hidden tide and travel

Back home.

All the hemispheres in heaven

Are sitting around a fire

Chatting

While stitching themselves together

Into the Great Circle inside of You.

Restless

2011-02-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

I've got the travel bug. The one that, if I could give into it, would get me out of this country. On a plane and over some water. Out of here. Into a strange place. Somewhere I haven't been with people I don't know. OK, maybe I'd like to take one or two people I know.

There are places I'd like to revisit -- Holland for sure. Machu Picchu. Northern Thailand. The Amazon. But I want to hit up some new places. Italy. France. OK all of Europe probably. Some place in Africa. Patagonia. How cool would Patagonia be? (Feel free to picture me as the outdoorsy type now -- but I'm not).

Before I had kids I had started to travel some -- a lot domestically, a little internationally. In fact I was getting tired of not being home. When I had my first baby my boss was wonderful enough to start altering my job so that I didn't have to travel as much and definitely not internationally since those trips usually take longer.

I don't often regret it. But sometimes I do. Today was kind of one of those days.

I found myself wishing not for more, but for different. Maybe it's more. More experiences, more places, more time, more people.

I wonder what my life will be like in ten or 12 years when they are more or less on their own. This is what I hope. That when that time comes and I have a little more wiggle room that I will go to Patagonia. At least Italy. And all the other stuff I set aside, that I'll push forward and find those places and things I'm longing for now.

I want this now -- to make my one shot at raising them to hit the mark. I want that more than anything.

At the same time I want to hang on to that restless feeling just a bit, keep it in the back, alive, so I can take it out and let it pull me forward when the time is right.

Ten Word Tuesday

2011-02-01T05:40:00.001-08:00

Quiet house. Tuesday, I would kiss you if I could.

Today or Yesterday

2011-01-31T06:36:00.000-08:00

My father died seventeen years ago yesterday or today. I can never remember the exact date.

I don't think about my father very much anymore. When I was two my parents separated. They divorced when I was five.

I don't remember him ever living at home and I never lived with him. He remarried soon after the divorce and I found out after his death that his wife didn't like my brother or me and didn't want him around. I thought it was my dad. Maybe it was. But what a thing to think all those years -- that it was primarily him not wanting me around and much of it was his wife.

On the other hand, hello. I wouldn't have done that to my children. We used to go over to his house, when we still lived in the same town, and he would stay in the bedroom with his wife and my brother and I would sit and watch TV for hours until he took us home. It sucked. It sucked being rejected and then rejected again.

I wonder if he were still alive if I would ask him about it now? If he ever would have gotten around to saying he cared or he was sorry? Maybe he didn't care. I have a cousin who swears he was the best person on earth and that he was her best friend in many ways. I can't hardly stand her for that. I can't reconcile that while he avoided me he was going out of his way to be good to her.

Seventeen years ago yesterday or today my father died. He was shoveling snow in a small town in Iowa. I cried during the gun salute at the graveside. I didn't know what I was crying for.

I still don't.

Bronchitis For Me

2011-01-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

I finally drug myself to the doctor this morning and got some antibiotics for this ridiculous cough. The doctor used the term "bronchitis" and I'm going to get as much mileage out of that as I can.

Like:

"I can't make dinner I have bronchitis."

"The kids didn't get their homework done because I have bronchitis."

"I forgot to do the laundry (for the last two weeks) I have bronchitis."

"I'll scrub the bathroom down when my bronchitis is gone."

"I can't walk the dogs, I have bronchitis."

"I"m sorry honey, I have a bronchitis tonight."

"I put all this extra weight on when I got bronchitis."

OK, maybe I'm pushing it just a bit. But I figure after two weeks of being sick I should get something out of it. Like a nap. Which I am very likely to take right now.

January So Far

2011-01-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

It's cold here. Like it is at your house I'm sure.

The kids had two snow days, sans snow. There was barely enough for them to play in on Monday morning.

It was nice having them home, especially since I had been traveling and at teacher training and hadn't seen them since Tuesday morning last week.

Also I was traveling sick which is no fun at all. It's kinda been a sticky, yucky past couple of weeks. Before I was sick the kids were sick. Before that it was the holidays.

Today I'm finally catching my breath. It's my first "normal" day since mid-December. No holiday errands to run, kids are back at school. It's finally quiet. It's kind of nice. Actually, it's kind of wonderful.

I've been waiting for something blog worthy to happen, but of course if you are not blogging you don't notice the blog worthy things around you. Most days seem to be average and I kind of like them that way.

Intention

2010-11-17T07:13:00.000-08:00

Three weeks ago we spent much of our yoga teacher training weekend setting our intention for the course. We went through a very thorough, deliberate process to determine and refine our intention. We worked as a large group and then in smaller groups redefining and reworking until we had just the right intention for ourselves.

At the end of the day, in ceremony, we said our intention out loud.

It was a very powerful weekend.

My intention is to be strong through a life practice of compassionate discipline.

Honestly when the weekend started I wasn't excited or expecting much out of setting an intention. I would say I kept that attitude through most of the weekend. I was working on an intention statement but it wasn't really fitting or feeling right until I came up with the above sentence.

My lack of self-discipline in every area of my life has been something I've been thinking about and aware of since last summer.

I've always had a hang up about my lack of physical strength -- which is not as lacking as I'd like to think but is definitely lacking.

It's not just physical strength I'm looking for, but emotional as well. Maybe more so. Strength in the way I raise my children, do my job. Strength in the way I live. Strength to find myself and to be myself. To truly be myself.

43 Days ?!!??!! NO, TODAY IT'S 42!

2010-11-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

Everything was fine. It was finally Friday evening, we were sitting in the living room trying to decide what I was going to make for dinner.

And by "make for dinner" I mean pick up take-out or drag the family to a restaurant.

I'm just relaxing, talking to the family, when J12 says "43 days!"

I said, "What???"

Oh, I knew immediately what he was talking about, but I didn't want to admit it.

"What? What's in 43 days?"

"Christmas!"

It was like a fire alarm went off in my head. Forty-three days? Are you kidding me?

I hate when I get a reality check like that. And just when I had been ready to write a post about how, for probably the first time in my life, I was one hundred percent excited about the holidays. How I had changed and evolved and had lost all my old fear and worry and expectation of disappointment.

For a moment, when he first said, "43 days" all those old feelings rushed back in.

Then I took a deep breath, realized I was just giving into an old habit and not genuine feelings, exhaled, and welcomed back the excitement and anticipation I had already begun to feel about Christmas.

Yesterday I had been thinking about writing a post about change. The subtle changes I feel happening in my life because of the yoga and meditation.

I think I just did.

Wednesday

2010-11-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

The problem with NaBloPoMo is you have to post every day. Even when you don't feel like it.

D8 has the croup and an ear infection. He's feeling so much better today. I'm planning on sending him back to school tomorrow.

I'm feeling sickesh again which is annoying me. Sickesh. Worn out. Tired. Yucky.

I'm feeling the way I did last summer when I found out I was severely anemic. So I'm headed back to the doctor tomorrow to find out what's going on. I've been laying on the couch since 2:30 (I just realized) and I can't seem to get anything done.

Probably because I've been laying on the couch since 2:30.

Really hoping it's just a bug and not something actually wrong with me.

How Not To Do A Tuesday (10 Things Tuesday)

2010-11-09T06:17:00.000-08:00

1. When the alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m. -- ignore it. Change it. Even though you know your day will be infinitely better if you get up and do some yoga and meditation.

2. Lay in bed listening to your sick kid cough. Do this until 6:15.

3. Get up at 6:15 and do a half-ass meditation (technical term). Journal instead of taking a shower. Even though you know not taking a shower will bite you in the ass later.

4. Get everyone up and moving. Drag 12 year old to school and ignore his fake coughing and all the moaning about the headache he has.

5. Get home. Walk the dogs. Don't shower. Fix sickly D8 breakfast. Make some tea. Decide not showering is fine because you are not going anywhere today. It can wait.

6. Sneak into the office. Facebook. Twitter. Push away the work to do list because it makes you panic and mildly hyperventilate. Consider taking a shower to procrastinate work.

7. Actually listen to D8's horrible cough. Call your pediatrician friend. No answer. Call husband. Does he think D8 needs to go to the doctor? HE DOES?!? The world is ending. Quickly call the pediatrician. Realize YOU HAVE NOT SHOWERED AND YOU HAVE DEADLINES AT WORK. Make the appointment for 10:45.

8. Quickly evaluate the next 90 minutes of your life. Even though you have DEADLINES and have not showered decide you should do your NaBloPoMo post RIGHT NOW.

9. Spend a few seconds pondering why the hell all of a sudden you are attracted to all caps.

10. Pretend the last three hours of your life didn't happen and go take a shower. Restart the day. Sort of.

Time for a Meme

2010-11-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

I borrowed/stole/copied this from Mrs. Chili.

A – Age: 43

B – Bed size: King (and still not big enough)

C – Chore you hate: scrubbing the tub

D – Dog’s name: Treasure, Sam, Max (yeah, I'm crazy enough to have three dogs)

E – Essential start your day item: chai soy latte (made at home -- to save the $4)

F – Favorite color: orange

G – Gold or Silver: silver

H – Height: 5’8″

I – Instruments you play: piano, percussion

J – Job title: project manager (totally generic title that covers everything you can think of)

K – Kid(s): D8, J12

L – Living arrangements: An incredibly dilapidated two bedroom, ONE FREAKING BATH, house built in 1929. In desperate need of a handyman.

M – Mom’s name: Norma Jean (adopted mother), Maureen (birth mother)

N – Nicknames: I don't think I have any nicknames...... Oh, wait. Does this count: "Moooooooooooom!!!!!!"

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Two lovely c-sections and tonsillitis.

P – Pet Peeve(s): my horrible ability to procrastinate

Q – Quote from a movie: "Stay alive, no matter what occurs!!!" or maybe every time Tom Cruise goes, "AAAHHHHHHH" and tries to look all intense. Have you noticed he does that in all his movies? What is that?

R – Right or Left handed: right

S – Siblings: one brother

T – Time you wake up: My alarm is set for 5:00 or 5:15. I'm trying people. I'm TRYING.

U -Underwear: sometimes. just kidding. maybe.

V – Vegetable you dislike: beets. I am almost throwing up in my mouth at the thought of them.

W – Ways you run late: I don't run late. It's a sickness. In fact, sometimes I fake being late because I am so ridiculously paranoid about being on time.

X – X-rays you’ve had: arms, ribs, teeth.

Y – Yummy food you make: stuffed shells, madeliene cookies, mint-chocolate brownies, cardamom cookies,

Z- Zodiac Sign: Aries.

shhhh

2010-11-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

Don't tell my YTT teacher I'm blogging. I'm supposed to stay off-line tonight. We spent the day doing restorative yoga and meditation. Most restful state I have been in in years.

Going to bed now before my brain gets invaded by Pokeman. Or worse.

Quick NaBloPoMo Post

2010-11-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm determined to see NaBloPoMo through this year. Determined to get back to blogging. I've been reading more blogs this week and I'm realizing how much I've missed everyone and how nice it is to find new bloggers.

I head back to Atlanta tomorrow morning for another weekend of yoga teacher training (YTT). I always kind of dread it the day or two before. The toughest part about YTT is leaving the family/house for the weekend. I spend the a day or two before the weekend trying to clean up, get the laundry done and stock up the kitchen. I also think about all the things I would be getting done if I were home all weekend.

Of course once I get there Saturday morning I forget about everything at home and can't imagine being anywhere else.

Then Sunday night comes along and I have to re-enter the atmosphere and I can never quite figure out why my family isn't as blissed out as I am.

This weekend we have shortened hours of training so instead of staying in Atlanta tomorrow night I'm driving back home. No I didn't have to do it. It means I don't have to pack, spend extra money on food or use up more hotel points. It does mean three hours in the car tomorrow and Sunday and I'm sure when I get home tomorrow (around 7:30 p.m.) they are all going to need something.

All of that said I kind of can't wait for the weekend to start.

Yeah, I Talk to Myself

2010-11-04T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have this really embarrassing habit of talking to myself. It's crazy. At home I pretend I'm talking to the dogs, but let's face it, this is just a crazy habit of mine.

Although I spend a lot of time on the phone while I'm working, I also sit at my desk and talk to myself and I can't tell you how many times the neighbor's yard guy has overheard my craziness.

I know I do this in the car too. Let's pretend I'm singing. OK I'm doing that as well. But good Lord there I am driving down the street having a conversation with myself. Even at red lights. I'm sure of it.

The most ridiculous place I talk to myself is at the grocery store. Yes, I'm admitting this to you. It's insane. I stand in the pasta aisle and start discussing dinner. I see some weird, hard-to-find item and ooh and aah over it.

I talk to the bread.

Don't even get me started in the produce section. Today I think I remember saying to myself, OUT LOUD, "Do we have celery?" "Where's the romaine?" "God, I HATE beets!"

You know, I thought the employees at my favorite Publix knew my name because I'm there every day but it's possible it's just because I'm the crazy lady chatting up the apples and oranges.

Ordinary

2010-11-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday evenings J has school so it's just me and the boys. I've been feeling kind of run down all day so for dinner we took it easy and had breakfast. Just the three of us.

One of the kids had pulled out an old knock knock joke book and we were passing it around the table while we ate, giggling and rolling our eyes. Treasure sat in my lap.

Later D8 lounged in the bathtub, humming the theme to Star Wars and J12 surfed the internet while I folded laundry.

Now they are in bed, J12 reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. D8 is still humming the theme to Star Wars.

As soon as I can I'm going to put this computer away, grab my Sookie Stackhouse book and burrow under the covers.

Just an ordinary evening in the middle of a pretty ordinary week. It's chilly this evening and the idea that the holidays are just a few weeks away is tugging at the back of my mind. I'm going to leave that idea there for awhile and just sit with the quiet for a few more days.

Ten Words Tuesday

2010-11-02T06:16:00.000-07:00

Homeomade chai latte, dog in my lap, perfect Tuesday morning.

Is November still NaBloPoMo?

2010-11-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

Do people still do that? I'm going to, just to try and jumpstart myself back into blogging.

I've completed three weeks of Yoga Teacher Training. It's going well. It's very intense. I'm overwhelmed with everything I need to do to every day and I'm not keeping up as well as I'd like -- the practice, the meditation, the studying. Although a lot of it is just avoidance. The time is there to get it all done, it's just a matter of discipline and prioritizing and facing head on all the issues and stuff a regular practice brings up.

All that said I can honestly say I feel clearer. This morning that's the best word to describe it.

This morning The Writer's Almanac had the absolutely perfect poem for this Monday, November 1 and I have to share it with you:

Monday

by Cindy Gregg

On this first day of November
it is cold as a cave,
the sky the color
of neutral third parties.
I am cutting carrots
for the chicken soup.
Knife against carrot
again and again
sends a plop of pennies
into the pan.
These cents,
when held to the gray light,
hold no noble president,
only stills
of some kaleidoscope
caught being pensive...
and beautiful,
in the eye of this beholder,
who did not expect
this moment of marvel
while making an early supper
for the hungry children.

"Monday" by Cindy Gregg, from Suddenly Autumn

Yoga Teacher Training

2010-10-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yoga teacher training is kind of wonderful. In an intense, rip-your-soul-out-and-examine-it kind of way.

I think there are about twenty five students, two course leaders, and seven mentors.

The Monday after our first weekend together (two weeks ago) I think we were all giddy and a little in love with each other. I don't think I've ever missed a group of people as much as I did that first day -- or looked forward to seeing them again this weekend.

We just finished our second weekend and honestly it was kind of hard to come home.

But also very very good. I am finding, in many ways, that yoga is a very practical practice. You have to do the work, all of it. And not for the sake of doing it or the experience of doing it, but so that you can get up off the mat and live your life in a better, more complete way. For yourself, and for those around you.

e.e. cummings birthday - poem thursday

2010-10-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

whatever it is, it's his birthday. i like the no caps. i wish i knew more about him. the following two poems appeared on the writer's almanac today. i'm shamelessly stealing them for a little poem thursday.

i started yoga teacher training a couple of weeks ago and there's so much to say about it i've been trying not to say anything for a little while. i go back this weekend and i pretty much can't wait.

i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

since feeling is first
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

"i carry your heart with me" by E.E. Cummings, from Complete Poems 1904-62.

"since feeling is first" by E.E. Cummings, from 100 Selected Poems.

Monday, Monday, MONDAY

2010-09-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

I'm having a Monday. It's all my own doing I know. But still. It's a Monday.

I slept in and was running late by 7:05.

J12 is still on crutches and I'm having to push him pretty hard to get over himself and his hurt ankle. It is hurting. But he is under the impression he should sit on the couch for four weeks while it heals. Wrong.

Two minutes before it is time to leave D8 says, and I quote, "Where are my glasses?"

No. No no no no no people. No. DO. NOT. LOSE. YOUR. GLASSES.

J12 has had glasses since first grade and has never lost them. Responsible, neurotic, crazy old soul that he is.

D8 loses them every day. I've ripped the house up and can't find them. I need to work (begs the question why am I blogging, I know I know!) So I'm taking turns between working (OK blogging) and searching for glasses.

I have a feeling this time they are gone and I won't find them until I buy a new pair. We have football tonight (D8's first game of the year) so I probably have to fit going to a one-hour glasses place in with homework and football.

Really I know this is not that bad. There are people out there with real problems.

Mostly I'm mad at myself for not making him wear the glasses on the weekends, for not realizing I needed to find them last night, for not keeping my house cleaner and I'm even mad at myself for being sick this weekend (like I could help it) and staying in bed and letting the house go to hell.

That's so stupid and irrational. Were women doing this 100 years ago? 200? 1,000? Have we always expected ourselves to do everything and be responsible for everything and feeling guilty for things like catching a freaking cold?

That's to much for a Monday. I'm gonna go look for those freaking glasses.

____

After all that I found his glasses.

Friday Five

2010-09-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

Five Things I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

1. Last week I was in Maryland helping my mom recover from minor knee surgery. She's doing very well and I'm glad to be back home.

2. Reading the Sookie Stackhouse books and sitting on the front step waiting for the mailman to bring me True Blood DVDS from Netflix. I love these books. They are terribly addictive and once I start one my family can just forget seeing me for the next two days. I've read five of them and am waiting for somebody to loan me the next couple of books.

3. Helping J12 all week as he hobbled around on crutches. He was running Sunday evening and fell and sprained his ankle. Oy. I am tired of it already. Oh yeah, so is he.

4. Reading The Sorcerer's Stone outloud to the kids. It's about time. I've been trying to get these kids on the Harry Potter wagon for awhile, but it took Lego's and Wii to pique their interest. Which is sad I know. But whatever it takes. D8 isn't that interested but J12 is loving the book. I caught him reading it on his own. Which was my plan all along. Mwa ha ha.

5. Cooking. OK. Not really.

Happy New Year! OK OK. Happy September 1!!!

2010-09-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

September 1 always feels a little bit like a new year to me.

When I got home from dropping the kids off at school I started the coffee and then went around opening the windows and turning the air conditioners off.

Never mind that the forecast for middle Georgia is 95 with quite noticeable humidity.

I do this every year. I'm so ready for fall I try to rush it.

It never works.

By 10:30 this morning the windows were closed and the air was back on. Still, when I walked the dogs a few minutes ago I could still feel the change coming.

Bang, Sew, Let Go

2010-08-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

I went to a very small church school for elementary school. We had ten kids in our class and that was the largest class in the school. Since we were too small to have a band and there was a church-based boarding high school next door (also very small for a high school) the seventh and eighth graders were allowed to join the high school band.

I wanted to play percussion.

My mom wanted me to play the clarinet. She had played the clarinet. She still had her clarinet. She didn't like percussion. I think there was an argument or two about percussion not being musical, although I had been playing the piano since second grade.

So I played the clarinet for awhile. I hated it. There was nothing about playing the clarinet that I enjoyed.

I wanted to play percussion.

She said no.

Finally we "compromised" and I tried the flute. There was even a flute teacher in there somewhere. I did not like playing the flute.

I wanted to play percussion.

Finally I did. I was in band, as a percussionist in high school and college.

I loved it. I played all the keyboard type instruments like bells and xylophone. I played timpani and all the other fun stuff.

A couple of months ago my mom was visiting and I got this crazy idea in my head that I could make a baby quilt for my pregnant niece in the few days that my mom was here. Then she could take it to the baby shower. We bought the fabric and I got busy.

Of course I'm still not done with the quilt and the baby was born a week ago. I'm close. I'm machine quilting it and hoping to finish this weekend.

The thing that is taking a bit of the joy out of it for me is that my mom keeps calling me and asking if the quilt is done. No. No it is not done. These things take time and I have, oddly enough, decided to work, take care of the kids, clean, do laundry, etc. etc. etc. instead of quilting.

Really it's not a quilt for newborns only. It's a baby quilt. A toddler quilt. A five year old quilt. I'm hoping a "I love this quilt so much even though I'm to old for it I still like to have it around" quilt and for my niece an "Wow, my aunt went to all this trouble to make this quilt for my baby she must really care about me even though we never see her" quilt.

My mom's at my brother's helping with the baby (my niece is 17). Yes, I wish I had that quilt done, but I'm not going to freak out about it. It's a quilt --nice, but not something the baby has to have immediately.

Yesterday my mom called and left a voicemail. "Just wondering if you mailed the stuff I left at your house and wondered how the quilt's coming along."

Ugh. I'm not sure how the two are related -- the percussion and the quilt. It feels like they are. All these years of her having specific expectations and ideas of who I should be and what I should do and me pushing against her and doing my thing in my time and trying trying trying to not carry all the baggage with me. To just put some of the baggage down and let go of her expectations.

The Faker is Back at School

2010-08-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

I'm going to come right out and admit I got scammed. At least I think I got scammed.

I'm pretty sure I did. Kind of. A little.

J12 just went back to school this morning after missing FIVE days of school. I think he really was sick at first. There was a virus going around school and tons of kids were out the first week of school, as well as a few teachers.

He was actually throwing up at some point. I posted Saturday about dealing with his vomit. It turns out he did have a little blood in his vomit (I'll stop using the V word now) so I know he was legitimately sick, I actually saw it happen a few times.

That said we started to get suspicious towards the end of the weekend. It was happening when we weren't around -- when I'd run to the grocery store or drop D8 off at school.

I took him to the doctor Monday morning, I was really freaking out there was something seriously wrong with him. The doctor said I should keep him home another day.

Late afternoon Monday I took the recycling out and when I came back in I heard the fridge door closing, then J12 comes running around the corner, holding his mouth like he wasn't sure he'd make it, and then throwing up. I follow him into the bathroom and it looks like he poured some soda in the toilet.

We had a conversation. I did most of the talking. He denied up and down, backwards and forwards. I checked the fridege and the two liter of root beer was almost gone -- except no one had been drinking it.

We had another conversation. I did most of the yelling.

Then I told his dad. They had a conversation. Hid dad did all of the threatening. He told him if he was throwing up by the end of the next day he was going to the hospital and they would stick a tube down his nose and into his stomach. They would do a spinal tap. With a very large needle.

Oddly enough he never threw up again.

This I have to say -- I learned a lot this week. I really did. About J12 and myself.

I'm a little worried about what prompted the whole thing -- that something is really bothering him and he's hiding from it. I can't get him to talk -- not about anything like that.

The thing is I was just the same. Always trying to hide from stuff I didn't want to deal with and seeing things as much scarier than they were. I still do it. I'm just hoping I can find a way to help him cope, to start learning how to cope, now and not wait until he's well into adult hood to start dealing with it. Like I did.

Ten Things Tuesday

2010-08-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Ten Things I Have Done or Will Do Today

1. Focus -- I have been so unfocused lately. I can't seem to finish anything I start. I can't seem to start anything I need to finish. Hoping this list will help a little.

2. Clean my kitchen -- It's horrible and I don't want to go in there, but I'm cleaning it today if it's the last thing I do. Most likely it will be the last thing I do.

3. Yoga -- I made it to a noon class.

4. Fix the home phone -- OK this is is pretty stupid. We switched to a cable phone for our home phone a couple of years ago it's never worked well or consistently. Today if I call the home number it rings about two minutes after I call it.

5. Catch up on the laundry. I HATE when I have laundry unfinished at the end of the day. (I usually have unfinished laundry).

6. Quilt -- I'm machine quilting a baby quilt for my great-nephew who was born five days ago. Plus I actually enjoy doing this.

7. Read -- I haven't been reading lately.

8. Shop -- not the fun kind, the "oh no we are out of one thing we HAVE to have and also I remembered a bunch of other stuff we'll be out of soon didn't I just do this yesterday" kind of shopping.

9. Homework with the kids.

10. Stop judging myself. This is unlikely to happen today. But I like to put it on the list for good measure.

Nurse Slow Panic

2010-08-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is all about vomit. In detail.

J12 started throwing up after school on Tuesday and pretty much hasn't stopped. He missed three days of school this week. I am so frustrated. He's still throwing up.

To be honest with you I haven't believed him the whole time. I've checked up on him a couple of times and he wasn't lying. I think he has been heaving or gagging and calling that throwing up. If not he really is throwing up about 15 times a day. Or more. The few times I've taken a look at it it's looked dark brown/maroon/reddish. Of course I started worrying about blood in his stomach.

But he's been drinking Coke and grape juice and grape Gatorade.

No fever, no other symptoms, except a cranky, tired 12 year old. Honestly I've been pretty hard on him at times because I'm worried he's scamming me to get out of school. He had a lot of sick days last year and he's developing habits I had as a kid and I'm just kind of worried.

So I've gone between being sympathetic and kind to mean and bitchy.

This morning, after not eating for 12 hours and having nothing to drink but water he threw up the dark colored puke again. That kind of scared me, so I took him to the doctor.

They did a quick blood test and a strep test and nothing.

So now I'm waiting for him to puke so I can collect it and take it back to the doctor and they can check it for blood.

I explained this to him and put a bowl in the bathroom for him to use. I took the dogs for a walk.

I come back and the bowl is full. I mean really a lot of stuff -- and it looks like Coke. So yeah, I find out he drank some Coke while I was picking up his anti-vomit drugs.

But the real fun part is he went to the bathroom and peed and then threw up before flushing AND THEN TOOK THE BOWL AND SCOOPED THE PEE AND PUKE INTO THE BOWL. Then gave it to me.

I'm sighing. I can tell you I am sighing a lot today. So I explained to him to throw up directly in the bowl. Please leave out the pee, and I will take that to the doctor.

Except now he's hungry. So he's going to eat and then he's going to throw up and then I get to scoop that out of the bowl.

I told you this was gross.

THEN I'm going to give him the anti-vomit meds.

If he's still throwing up tomorrow I have to take him back.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to fly to MD on business.

Blah. Sometimes this mommy gig is a little rough. And gross. Sometimes it is really really gross.

YTT

2010-08-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

On Monday I signed up for yoga teacher training (YTT). I'm pretty excited and scared.

Mostly excited.

No wait, mostly scared.

I start the first weekend of October and finish mid-Feburary. The course takes place over nine weekends.

It's something I've been wanting to do for awhile but kept making excuses -- mostly money and time. But I did it, I applied, I interviewed, I paid up.

I wrote a long post about it on Tuesday, but deleted it. It's kind of hard to talk about.

It's kind of a big deal for me to take this step.

It's a big deal and it's not a big deal. If that makes any sense.

It's a big deal in that it's me taking action to do something I feel strongly about and that is such a huge commitment and possibly life changing.

It's not a big deal because it feels so much like the right thing for me that now that I've stepped onto this path it just seems like the most obvious and right choice.

Sick Day

2010-08-18T05:49:00.001-07:00

School started last Wednesday and J12 is home sick today.

Honestly, I didn't quite believe him when he told me he'd thrown up yesterday. Then I saw the proof the second time. I took his word for it the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th time.

And again this morning.

I called the school and found out it's "going around" and that two teachers have been out sick, as well as a bunch of kids.

It's just the first week! How did this happen?

We got slammed at our house last year with sick days, including a bout of mono. Hoping we can kick this virus and then avoid anymore for awhile.

Almost Home Invaded

2010-06-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was sitting my office when I heard my husband scream "Get the F**K out of here!!"

I thought, "nice language in front of the kids." I figured one of the dogs was after his lunch or something.

I got up, walked through the house and found my husband coming from the back yard with a golf club in his hands.

Turns out while he was getting some lunch he looked up and saw a man walking up the deck stairs. He grabbed a golf club and went after him.

Of course the dogs (all THREE of them) didn't hear anything.

I have to say it shook me up a bit. It's the middle of the day, there were three cars in the drive and in front of the house. Still he was just walking in.

If J hadn't been home and in the kitchen the guy would have been in the living room before I would have known he was here. And what would I have done?

We are on permanent lockdown now. All the doors and windows locked.

It scared me. We're really lucky. Instead of being a major tragedy it was a close call. A reminder that I need to be careful all the time.

12

2010-06-19T05:16:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago my oldest turned 12.

I've been noticing adolescence sneaking up on him for a few months. He's always been a mama's boy and would just grab me when I was walking by and hug me. He's always been clingy, not very independent and emotionally needy. He's always preferred to spend time with me, much to his father's frustration.

He is very much like me -- my personality, my quirks. He likes to say that he is about 75 percent me and his brother, D8, is about 75 percent their dad. That sums it up pretty well.

I'm making a conscious effort to let go of him and to not interfere to much when I see him processing things so much the way I did as a child. It's hard not to jump in and try and feel it for him. Of course I can't. But we could fix things so easily when they were babies and toddlers. Change a diaper. Feed them. Fix a toy.

Now it's not always that easy.

I love seeing his sense of humor develop. It's much like mine -- sarcastic and dry. He's funny, introspective and smart.

Just in time for father's day he's turning towards his dad. It's been happening for awhile. He likes hanging out with him, going places. About 3:00 p.m. every day he starts anticipating his dad's arrival. I see them bonding and developing a relationship just like my husband had with his dad.

This morning D8 asked for pancakes and while I was making them I remembered making shaped pancakes for J12 when he was younger. I couldn't quite remember what shape so I asked him. We had to think about it for a moment but then he remembered -- Blue's Clues paw prints!

At 12 he's standing on the brink between child and teen. I like this age. He's still mine but I have some breathing room.

I asked him if he wanted me to make him a paw print pancake and he said yes. So I did. It was like a little shout out to the past. A nice memory saluted on this ordinary Saturday morning. Something he'll forget much sooner than I will. Which is how it should be.

Poem Thursday - A Reminder

2010-06-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

I've been a little lost and wandering lately. I heard this on Speaking of Faith and it's pretty much the best advice I've heard in a long time -- for poets and for the rest of us.

How to be a Poet

by Wendell Berry

(to remind myself)

Make a place to sit down.

Sit down. Be quiet.

You must depend upon

affection, reading, knowledge,

skill-more of each

than you have-inspiration,

work,growing older, patience,

for patience joins time

to eternity. Any readers

who like your poems,

doubt their judgment.

Breathe with unconditional breath

the unconditioned air.

Shun electric wire.

Communicate slowly. Live

a three-dimensioned life;

stay away from screens.

Stay away from anything

that obscures the place it is in.

There are no unsacred places;

there are only sacred places

and desecrated places.

iii

Accept what comes from silence.

Make the best you can of it.

Of the little words that come

out of silence, like prayers

prayed back to the one who prays,

make a poem that does not disturb

the silence from which it came.

I found this poem here.

I'm a Small Dog Person. Who Knew

2010-06-13T19:08:00.001-07:00

So about three weeks ago I took my TWO dogs out for their 7:00 a.m. walk and I saw this little guy cowering under the neighbors car. When we got back he was still there and trying to make friends with my cat. I quickly put my TWO dogs into the house and came straight back out to check on the little guy. You know, because my house is the Underground Railroad for cats and dogs in my neighborhood. I think there's a special scratch on the dogwood tree or maybe the way the vine curls up the mailbox. Whatever it is they come to my house.

In fact when he was making friends with my cat she was probably telling him it was a good place to land since that's how she came to live here about 18 months ago.

Yes. Yes I tried to find his home -- put up signs, ads in the paper, called the vets, etc. etc. etc. No takers. I don't know why anyone would let him go because he is a sweetie.

We named him Treasure. It wouldn't have been my first choice but I wasn't choosing -- the kids were. Now the name has stuck.

And now I have THREE dogs. That's right. Three freaking dogs. One cat. Two boys. One husband. One job. One crappy small house.

Thanks for asking but no Treasure is not quite as house broken as we would like. So he's spending lots of time in the cage and going on lots of mini-walks.

He did spend a questionable 24 hours with some neighbors who were thinking of adopting him, just so they could breed him with their chihuahua. It didn't go well -- at either house. I was a mess for 24 hours (and so was J12 -- although I'm sure he wouldn't want you to know that) and Treasure didn't get along with their three dogs -- so home he came.

And home he has stayed.

summer and i'm thinking

2010-06-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm floating around the pool in my floatie chair while D8 and I play Super Smash Bros. Fortunately it doesn't take a particularly large amount of thought on my part. I'm just sort of participating in his imaginary game. I just have to splash him every once in awhile and make growling noises and nod my head a lot.

Most of the time I just lay back and watch the clouds float by, catching a glimpse of them through the trees.

Later we come inside and D8 plays in his room while I do some laundry then we snuggle on the couch and watch Veggietales.

We're spending the day together while J12, J and Nana go to Savannah for the day. It's possible we may even get around to making brownies.

To be honest D8 is missing his brother and dad. Every once in awhile he asks me how much longer they will be gone or why they had to go.

Later in the evening when everyone is home D8 drags them out to the pool and now he's content. I'm wandering around the house, trying to decide if I'm going to be a good girl and clean up (something I've avoided all day) or go outside and read a book while they swim.

I've been feeling pretty lost and restless lately. Kind of like those clouds. I guess I've always been that way.

The Office

2010-05-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

It's kinda done:

Except for the window handles.

And painting the screens for the windows.

And buying one of those plastic things to put under my chair so I don't ruin the floor again.

And finding a place to put the miscellaneous (yes! spelled it right the first time) stuff still in rest of the house.

And getting rid of some of the stuff on the shelves.

And cleaning the windows.

And repainting the desks because they turned out yellow instead of white (bought the wrong sealer).

And pulling down the ceiling tiles and repainting the original bead board ceiling. After I repair what is damaged.

Other than that my office remodel is FINISHED.

So nice to be done.

Little Flower Guy

2010-05-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

Every fall I fill terra cotta pots with violets and place them on the front porch and the steps. In Georgia they bloom all winter and in the spring, right before it gets to hot and they die, they go through a growth spurt and the blooming goes into hyperdrive (I'm so poetic).

This year I've had a couple of volunteers growing right out of the bricks in the steps. The little guy above has been blooming for a few days and makes me smile every time I walk into the house. Which, considering the state of my house right now, is saying something.

Mono oh Mono

2010-05-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

J11 probably has mono. I took him in Monday and they did a blood test and it came back negative for mono but he definitely had a virus and his white blood count was really high.

He's been home sick all week and I won't lie to you. When the symptoms are listlessness and loss of appetite and you do not have any kind of diagnosis (besides generic virus) after a few days your lack of sympathy may reach Mommy Dearest levels.

This morning I told him he had to TRY. That he had to have breakfast and get dressed and get in the car and if that was to much he could just come back home with me. He ate and ten minutes later I found him crying on the couch -- overwhelmed with the idea of going to school.

I took him back to the doctor this morning and they said that the mono virus only shows up on the tests 70% of the time and if they did another test they would probably find it.

He really doesn't seem to be feeling any better but at least now I kind of have a diagnosis.

Poor kid. We've worked on homework a bit but he just kind of zones out on me. He even gets tired from playing video games and he falls asleep in the middle of the day. Sure signs that something is wrong.

Now that I have my kind-of-diagnosis I'm going to spoil him rotten until he tells me to leave him alone and I'm going to keep hoping hoping hoping that D8 doesn't get it.

Field Day Letter

2010-04-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Moms-I-Spent-Three-Hours -With-At-Field-Day,

If I am ever hanging out with you at a school function. Or even if I just bump into you at Target. Or wherever. If ever I notice that your t-shirt is inside out I promise to tell you, just in case you are not aware of it.

If I don't tell you I can pretty much guarantee that when you do figure it out -- say after you have been at school, at Starbucks, etc. etc. E.T.C. and you go home you will be embarrassed. Chances are the phrase, "total horses ass" may come to mind when you look in the mirror.

Sure you might have been exremely distracted today by the fact that you saw a rodent in the kitchen, that you had to work before going to field day, that you really really really need to get home and finish painting.

Did I mention the rodent?

I know we aren't close. We don't have much in common except that are kids are in the same school. But come on. Some of you I have known for three years now. So I promise I will feel comfortable enough to say, "Did you know your t-shirt is inside out?" Just in case, as an adult, you are not purposely wearing your clothing inside out.

Sincerely (and now wearing her shirt right side out),

Slow Panic

Catching Up

2010-04-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

Oh. OH!!! I am still painting. You probably already knew that.

I am making progress. The walls are painted (painting brick sucks). And I've started on the trim. This morning I polyurethaned the floor (one of the benefits of this project is I can now spell polyurethane) -- just part of the floor --so I can slide back the shelving and put in the new file cabinet tomorrow night. Which means I can move around the room a little easier.

Are you still reading this?

Actually I'm enjoying the whole process. I would like it even better if I wasn't also having to be mommy and employee.

Also, BIG GIANT NEWS: my husband got a job. Yes. Ten months of unemployment is OVER. He started yesterday. My favorite thing about this is peace and quiet and the house to myself all day long. The extra income is pretty nice too.

That about sums things up around here. I'm going to get back to polyurethaning the floor.

The Good, The Bad, The OMG I Will Never Finish

2010-04-21T05:21:00.001-07:00

Do you see those windows? Yes, I know they are filthy. Thank you camera for accentuating that. I have 15 of those eight pained windows to prime and paint. It is taking forever. I am very excited that I was actually able to open all of them. They haven't been opened in years and I thought they were all rusted shut, but a little WD-40 and a lot of swearing and they opened. I'm so excited.

Yeah, the office remodel continues. I am in painting hell. I lied to myself over the weekend and said this workweek wouldn't be so bad and I could spend most of my time painting and get back in there in a week.

Not so much.

Work is crazy busy -- which is good. Those windows however, are unbelievably time consuming. I'm still priming them. Monday I wasn't able to paint at all, yesterday a couple of hours in the evening -- which means this morning I catch up on the housework (and I use that term loosely) I didn't do last night which means this afternoon I catch up on the work I skimped on this morning when I was catching up on the housework (still using the term loosely).

So yes, I have had moments of panic about this project. But really. Is it going to last forever? No. One coat of primer and two coats of paint are going to take much longer than I thought but in the end it will be worth it. I'm also going to sand and polyurethane the floor. I want to pull those ceiling panels off because there is bead board under there, but I'm going to put that off (don't tell me I should be doing that now. I know that.).

Honestly I'm really excited about it. It's a huge step for me to be proactive and take on a project like this. The decluttering and throwing stuff out is huge.

Once it's done, instead of walking into the room and trying to ignore the rusty windows, dirty walls and tons of junk I'll walk in and feel proud of the work I did and the beautiful space that is just mine.